This Is Why I Had To Cut You Out Of My Life

woman in yellow
Makhmutova Dina

I doubt you even noticed, but I blocked you. On every social media platform. On my phone. On Facebook. On Instagram. I had to block you out of my life. I had to block you out of my head and out of my heart.

Because being friends with you wasn’t working.

And the thing is, I didn’t do it for you. I didn’t do it to make you mad or to make you feel any sort of emotion. I didn’t do it so you’d miss me or want me. I did it for me.

I had to cut you out, sharply and loudly. And I’m not sorry for doing it.

I did it for me so I could give myself a chance. So I could give myself a shot at love that isn’t with you. I did it for me to give my heart a fucking break. To treat myself better than you ever did. I had to do it, to be kind to myself.

I was lying to myself for a very long time. I thought that our friendship was more important than what I really wanted. That having you in my life was better than not having you at all.

Turns out, it wasn’t better. And I finally had enough.

It was midnight and I don’t know what came over me, but I just knew that I had to do it. I had to erase you. At least erase what I could find from the click of a button. I had to wash away that love. For good.

I did it for me. I did it out of the kindness of my heart for myself. I didn’t do it for you.

I did it because I love me more than I used to love you. And when I was with you, I don’t think I loved myself. I think I loved myself because you loved me. But that was a long time ago. I’m a different person with a different heart.

I love my life.

And as much as it hurts to write this, I love my life. Without you in it. To be honest, I never thought I would. If you had told me that I’d be happy without you, I would have never believed you in a million years. I’d laugh and pull you in close promising you forever.

I used to say that you were the only thing that made feel whole. I used to say that you were the thing that made me shine. I used to say that you were the person who loved me the most.

And now? I’m you. Because I love me more than anything or anyone. And I can finally, finally put you in the past and put myself back in first place.

So, I blocked you. I cut you out. And I’m so happy I had the guts to do it. To put myself before someone else. To love me. To freaking adore the life I have. Without you. TC mark

Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

For more poetry and writing follow me on Instagram!

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

“It’s just wondrous how every time I go through some emotional trauma, your posts are so relatable and it gives me so much hope. I love the writing and the photos. It’s all a pleasure to read. I can’t thank you enough for it, really.” — DM from @ThoughtCatalog Instagram follower

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