This Is Why I Had To Cut You Out Of My Life

woman in yellow
Makhmutova Dina

I doubt you even noticed, but I blocked you. On every social media platform. On my phone. On Facebook. On Instagram. I had to block you out of my life. I had to block you out of my head and out of my heart.

Because being friends with you wasn’t working.

And the thing is, I didn’t do it for you. I didn’t do it to make you mad or to make you feel any sort of emotion. I didn’t do it so you’d miss me or want me. I did it for me.

I had to cut you out, sharply and loudly. And I’m not sorry for doing it.

I did it for me so I could give myself a chance. So I could give myself a shot at love that isn’t with you. I did it for me to give my heart a fucking break. To treat myself better than you ever did. I had to do it, to be kind to myself.

I was lying to myself for a very long time. I thought that our friendship was more important than what I really wanted. That having you in my life was better than not having you at all.

Turns out, it wasn’t better. And I finally had enough.

It was midnight and I don’t know what came over me, but I just knew that I had to do it. I had to erase you. At least erase what I could find from the click of a button. I had to wash away that love. For good.

I did it for me. I did it out of the kindness of my heart for myself. I didn’t do it for you.

I did it because I love me more than I used to love you. And when I was with you, I don’t think I loved myself. I think I loved myself because you loved me. But that was a long time ago. I’m a different person with a different heart.

I love my life.

And as much as it hurts to write this, I love my life. Without you in it. To be honest, I never thought I would. If you had told me that I’d be happy without you, I would have never believed you in a million years. I’d laugh and pull you in close promising you forever.

I used to say that you were the only thing that made feel whole. I used to say that you were the thing that made me shine. I used to say that you were the person who loved me the most.

And now? I’m you. Because I love me more than anything or anyone. And I can finally, finally put you in the past and put myself back in first place.

So, I blocked you. I cut you out. And I’m so happy I had the guts to do it. To put myself before someone else. To love me. To freaking adore the life I have. Without you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

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