In Your Leaving, I Gained Myself

girl in water
Conner Baker

I used to think your leaving was the end of my world. I used to think it was the end of love for me. And as a dramatic twenty two year old, I thought I would never be happy again. At least not the kind of happy I had when I had you.

But of course, your leaving had to teach me something. There had to be some light to come out from this darkness. Because without that dim light, I had nothing.

At the time, I only saw a flicker of light. It kept going off and on throughout the days. I couldn’t even feed myself, or sleep, or breathe because you were gone. And yes, it’s dramatic, but it’s how I felt.

Because in the three years that we were in love, you were all I knew. You were the only person I had ever loved. And when you gave up, I swore to God, I didn’t want to live without you. How could I live in a world where you didn’t love me? How could I love in a world where the thing that I wanted most, didn’t want me back anymore.

But of course I lived. I had to. I had to see something beyond the darkness. I had to see something beyond those dark and lonely nights.

I saw that you were happy. I saw that you kissed another girl. I saw that you saw the light. So I had to, as well.

I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know when the darkness turned a little bit lighter. I didn’t know the date or the exact time it hit me. I think it happened over a few months. Maybe even a few years. There were a lot of up and downs and kisses that didn’t taste like you. There were a lot of other boys who hurt me. There many boys who I fell for.Β But nothing like what I used to have with you.

Then I graduated. Β And then I had to figure out who I was without love and without you. I had to find myself, by myself, for myself.

It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was really fucking hard. It didn’t happen over night. Heck, I’m still learning how to be on my own. But I do know my self worth now. I know what I deserve. I know that I am worth more than half hearted love.

I also have a job that I adore. Maybe I turned my job into you. Into something to put all my effort into. Into something that I had to give and give and give. And overtime, I learned that Β I didn’t need you to be happy.

Life is a journey. It’s always going to be a rollercoaster of emotions, and of heartaches and milestones. It’s always going to be a storm of good and of bad. And I know I have a lot to learn. I know I have a lot of more things to experience.

But I have experienced love. I experienced love for you, but most importantly love for myself after you left.Β TC mark

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