I always figured by the time I would turn 21, I would feel so adult. So grown up. So put together. But to be honest, I’m 24 and I don’t feel like that at all.
When I was little, being 24 seemed impossible and big and terrifying. By the time I hit 18, it still seemed so far away. So foreign. And now that I’m at that age, I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel any more grown up than I did at 17 or 16. Sure, I’m more ‘mature’. Sure, I fuck up a little less, but I still have so much to learn. So much to experience and to do. So much to dream.
I’m wondering when the hell am I going to feel grown up? Am I just going to wake up and feel different? Or am I always going to feel like this?
At a young age, I was certain that 24 or 25 would be my golden years. The years where I had my own place, my own shiny white car, my own career and enough money to buy dazzling shoes on top of it all.
But of course, I don’t have any of that. I share an apartment. I don’t own a car. I don’t have enough money to buy freaking Prada shoes. But — I do have a career that’s blossoming. So maybe a part of my six year old self was right about something.
In regards to boys, and boyfriends, and friendships, I feel so, so, young. I’m still trying to figure everything out. I lose friends and I don’t know how to handle it. I lose boyfriends and I beat myself up for it. I desperately want to find love, but haven’t found it in years. I still can’t really do my taxes without an online website helping me. I still calculate my tips with my calculator on my phone.
But maybe that’s the point of it all. Maybe I’m never going to feel like a grown up. Maybe I’m always going to be a daydreamer, be too optimistic, and too gullible. Maybe none of us will ever feel like we have our shit together.
At the end of the day, we are all struggling. We are all working hard to find out who the hell we are. We are all trying to find love, trying to be loved. We are all just trying so hard to be appreciated, to make money so that we can live an actual life. And most importantly, we just want to be happy.
So while 24 may not feel like I’m successful and accomplished and shiny and bright, it’s a work in progress. Just like me. And just like you.
Maybe instead of trying to be perfect, we should all just have the mentality that we did when we were six. Maybe we just need to dream a little more, to laugh a little more, and to not take life so seriously.