I asked my mom the other day if there were truly any good guys left out there in the world. Of course, I knew what she was going to say. I knew she was going to laugh and say, “Well of course, Lauren!”
I know the answer is always going to be yes. The answer is always going be of course. It’s always going to be don’t be silly. Just be patient. Just keep on waiting and doing what you’re doing.
Just keep your head up, girl. It’ll happen when it’s supposed to.
I know I’m only 24. I’m so young. I’m haven’t lived long enough to go bungee jumping or to go on a life changing adventure to Thailand or to eat a whole cake in one sitting. I know I’m only 24. I’ve only been to California once. I’ve lived in the same house since I was born. I’ve never even danced on top of a table yet or had a one night stand.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve only fallen in love once. That doesn’t change the fact that I’ve been single for almost three years. That doesn’t change the fact that every guy I have talked to lately has turned into a ghost. That doesn’t change the fact that a part of me has lost hope.
Maybe it’s dramatic of me. That it’s too dramatic of me to throw my hands up and tell myself that I’m doomed to be a dog lady forever. Maybe it’s a bit much. A bit too much, to just give up now. To just lose all hope.
But I’ve grown so used to giving on people. I’ve gotten so emotionally prepared for love to turn to dust. I’ve gotten so good and not caring when people push me aside, because it’s happened so much. I’ve stopped being so surprised. I’ve stopped crying when people leave me behind.
Because I expect it.
I don’t freak out when guys tell me that they are interested in someone else. I don’t cry myself to sleep when my crush tells me it’s done. I don’t bat an eye when a date cancels. I don’t gasp when I smile at someone who doesn’t smile back. I don’t even get angry anymore. Because I’m numb to it now. I’m numb to the rejection and the ghosting.
I want to wake up one day and be filled with optimism. I want to wake up one day and believe those people when they say that ‘the one’ will just magically fall on my lap one day. I so much want to see the glass half full. I so want to be like them.
When I was 17, I was one of those optimists. I was one of those cheery, bubbly glasses of champagne, always full of hope. I never looked at love as something that would never happen to me. I never looked at love with skepticism. I never doubted the power it could have on two hearts. I never doubted it’s strength.
But now, 7 years later, I look at it with a cold, glaring gaze. I look at it with no light in my eyes. I look at it and I don’t see a future.
I don’t know when it’s going to happen, or if it ever will. I don’t know when I’m going to fall in love and I’m not sure if I believe that it will just ‘come my way’. I keep swiping and swiping and sipping on drinks that guys buy me, and I don’t feel anything. I keep on dancing and chatting and making small talk, but I never feel any different. No matter who it is.
I wish I could tell you that love will come knocking. I wish I could promise you that you will find true love tomorrow. I wish I could tell you everything that people tell me, and I wish I could tell it to you with sincerity.
But honestly? I don’t know when it’s going to happen to me or you. I don’t know when it’s going to come walking or running by. I don’t know who that guy looks like or what they are going to say to me to make me weak in the knees. I can’t guarantee you that it will come your way. I can’t pinky swear to you that you will find love that won’t ever leave. I wish I could tell myself and tell you that it will all work out. To not worry so much. To not overthink it. And that love will be kind to you.
But what I do know for sure, is that if you find it, if you are lucky enough to find it, don’t ever let it go. Don’t ever say goodbye to that kind of love. Because love as it turns out, is rare. So don’t ever let it go if it comes your way, please don’t.
I know I deserve it. I know that I am capable of it. I know that I am lovable. And I know you are too. I know you deserve your heart to be held tightly and adoringly. I know you deserve to be loved in the entirety of your being.
So for now, I’ll just wait. Like they all tell me to do. I’ll just wait and bow my head down, patiently waiting for someone to change my mind. And knowing that, if I ever find it again, I won’t ever say goodbye. Not this time.