It’s an ongoing cycle. An ongoing battle of thoughts inside my head that make me doubt my friendships and my life. Anxiety makes me question everything. And it honestly makes me doubt myself.
It’s a never ending rain cloud that follows me around, wherever I go and whatever I do. It’s always thundering at my eardrums, always screaming and making me choke out my words. It’s always making me question every single thing I do. It’s always making me wonder. Making me worry.
And even when things are going perfectly, even when I have great friends and a great job and great relationships — my mind likes to tell me that I don’t.
Anxiety makes me think that if someone doesn’t answer my text, then I did something wrong. It makes me think that if someone cancels on me or calls for a raincheck, then they don’t like me anymore.
Anxiety makes me think it’s always my fault.
That it’s my fault if someone cancels last minute. That it’s my wrongdoing if someone forgets to text me back. It sends me into a whirlwind that is hard to get out of. Because the tiny thoughts it sends me grows into volcanos of panic.
Anxiety makes me think that I don’t deserve the life that I have.
When I go on a great date, anxiety tells me that the guy was just pretending to like me, just to get what he wants. It tells me that my friends only like me for the time being and that they will eventually leave. It’s always making me doubt who I am, who my friends are, and how my life is going.
Anxiety makes me question everything in my life; and yes even the great stuff.
It makes me go crazy with worry and paranoia that everyone I love and adore will one day leave me. It makes me pace my bedroom at midnight, wondering when the bomb is going to go off. Wondering when all the good stuff in my life will be gone. Wondering when everything will fall apart.
Anxiety has me believing that my happiness and peace of mind is just temporary. It has me believing that my mind is only going to be ok for so long. That my life is going to go uphill, but will eventually crumble once again.
It has me in a constant battle. A battle within myself. To listen to those voices, or to ignore them.
But what if anxiety is right? What if those tiny thoughts I have at night happen? What if people do talk behind my back? What if my coworkers think I’m not talented enough? What if my friends get better friends and forget about me? What if I truly never fall in love again? What if my parents think I’m a failure? What if guys only want me for a pretty face? What if everything that my anxiety is telling me, is actually going to come true?
What if. What if. What if.
I’m always living in the unknown. Always on edge just waiting for the floor to collapse under me. Always just waiting for the people I love to go away as soon as I feel stable. Always waiting for my happiness to disappear as soon as I learn how to smile again.