It’s waking up in the middle night with your heart racing and calling your significant other in a panic, unable to inhale or exhale or swallow.
It’s sleeping over at their place to try to ease your aching mind. It’s not being able to relax because you’re so wrapped up in your head, instead of being wrapped up in his arms.
It is black and grey nights splattered in blue days. It’s watercolors that aren’t strong enough to regain their courage. It’s never bold. It’s just petrifying.
It’s feeling safe for one minute and then feeling like you are falling off the tightrope that you have been walking on your entire life. It’s reaching for his hand on every sidewalk and cross country road and pathway. It’s always reaching, but never feeling better.
It’s questioning everything. It’s questioning yourself. And your ability to love. It’s questioning your face and your body and your voice. And it’s questioning why. Why does he love me? Why does he love me when I’m like this? Is he lying when he says that? Maybe he just says it to make me feel better.
It’s never feeling like you’re enough for this person. It’s feeling you are failing. It’s feeling like you’re falling but never being caught. It’s feeling like you’re lost in a sea that won’t stop pouring water over your head.
And you can’t stop gulping for air. You can’t stop gasping for air. You can’t stop flailing. Flailing about your scary, questionable life.
Deep down you know that your love is true. Deep down, you know that he will never go. At least not now. And deep down, you know that you are capable of love. You know that you are worthy.
But anxiety makes that confidence fade. Anxiety makes your self love and your self worth disappear with a single bite of your nail. With a single teardrop. With a single heart beat. Anxiety kills your worth.
It’s feeling everything and nothing all at once.
It’s wanting to be numb. It’s wanting so badly to just be ok. It’s wanting to pretend you’re someone you’re not. It’s wanting to be ‘better’ for him. It’s wanting to relax. To chill. To calm down.
But you never can.
You never can be someone that you are not.
You won’t ever be able to shut your brain off.
But the thing about love, is that it doesn’t discriminate. He is going to love you though this. He is going to love you through your battles. He is going to love you through the panic attacks and the sleepless nights.
And if he doesn’t?
He doesn’t deserve the beautiful being that you are. And he will always be sorry.