Thought Catalog

This Is How You Unlove Him

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Twenty20 / @brittneyborowski

This is how you will learn to unlove him.

Cry. Turn your bedroom into a raging sea. Into a tsunami that never stops damaging you. Into a waterfall that never stops running. Into a storm that never fucking stops punching you over and over again. Cry until you think it’s over. Until you think your tears have all been dried. And do it all over again.

Scream. Scream into your pillow. Scream into his silence. Scream into your phone. Scream into the sunshine and into the rain. Scream until your voice breaks. Until you have nothing left inside of you. Scream until you lose your voice to call him up and tell him to come back. Scream until your head becomes dizzy and white stars fill your focus for a while, instead of him.

Sleep. Sleep in your bed that makes you feel so numb. In your bed that is missing his arms. His face. His legs. His touch. Toss and turn. Sleep through your alarm clock. Sleep through your classes until your roommates begs you to go. Then sleepwalk. Sleepwalk in the world where he left you.

Taste. Taste the way your tears falls. Taste your unwashed hair. And your sheets that haven’t been washed for months. Taste his mouth on yours while you dream and wake up hungry. Taste other lips in search of someone that tastes like him. Taste their touch and their skin and remember that it isn’t his. Taste too many glasses of wine. And don’t just sip. Gulp it. Gulp until you forget. Just for a little bit. If even for a second.

Shop. Shop for things that hold no meaning to you. Give yourself a makeover. Hope that maybe a haircut will fix your heart. Or that a new wardrobe will cleanse him from your skin cells. Shop for things that make you look so pretty. So fun. So not sad.

Still be sad.

Talk. Talk to your friends. Try to laugh when they say they never liked him anyway. Let them hug you until you feel tears behind your eyes once again. Let them dry your faucet and let them hold you close until you stop shaking. Listen to them tell you that you’re special and beautiful and he’s an idiot. Try to believe them.

Wake up alone. Dry your eyes. Find pleasure in your dreams. The dreams that he is in. Drink another glass. Scream another scream. Talk another hour about how you feel so empty. Wonder when it’s going to go away. This big black hole that has turned into your life. Wonder how people survive this. Wonder if you will die of a broken heart. Think about how that might be easier than living.

Recycle the tears. Recycle the screams and the wine bottles. Play it over and over again in your mind. Let days pass. Let months pass. Wake up. Go to sleep. Wake up. Go to sleep. Wake up. Pause. Breathe.

Breathe until breathing without him doesn’t feel like your choking on your own hurt. Breathe until inhaling without him doesn’t feel like a knife inside of your throat. Keep going. Keep going until you learn how to be a human without him beside you. Keep going until you remember how to truly live. TC mark

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