I’m a strong woman. I know what I deserve. I know that I am worth more than a one night stand or a one week almost relationship. I know who I am without having to be in a relationship. And I know the type of person that I truly deserve.
But damn, something about you, makes me forget that.
Something about you makes me not want to be so strong anymore. Something about you, makes me forget my self worth and my need for independence. Something about you, makes me want to forget all that I have worked so hard on, just so I can get a taste of what it’s like to be with you again.
I don’t know what it is. The way you smile. The way you talk. The way you used to say my name or grab onto my hand. I don’t know why I’m so stuck on having you need me. On having you want me. On having you love me again.
I don’t know how or why you make me feel this way. I don’t know what it is about you that makes you so goddamn special, so special in fact, that I could see myself messing up everything, just to have another day with you. I don’t know why I still dream of us reuniting, of me tearing down every wall that I have built around my heart, just to see you again.
It doesn’t make any sense. Why my heart won’t stop beating fast when I see your name scatter across my laptop. Why my insides won’t stop running circles around my stomach when I see a picture of you from three years ago. It doesn’t make any sense, why I would ruin everything that I have worked so hard for, just to get a taste of you.
Just to get one more night, to play pretend. To play ‘happily ever after’. Like we used to.
You make me want to be weak. You make me want to forget my self-worth. To throw away my ideas of what I deserve and to whole heartedly dive into your world. Your world that used to be mine too.
You make me want to forget it all. To forget what happened before. To forget how you destroyed me. And to forget all the poems that I wrote, spitting and screaming about heartache and bitterness. You make me want to forget who I am and who I have become, just to spend another minute of my time with you. You make me want to be dumb again, to believe in all your lovely little lies.
I know you would destroy me again. I know how it would pan out in the end. I know all of this. And yet, you have this power over me still, after all of this time.
Maybe you’ll always be this person to me. This person who could make me cry and smile all at once. This person who has the ability to ruin and re-plant my own damn heart. This person who has the ability to once again, shatter me, and sustain me all in one day.
And yet. I’d do it all over again.
I’d be weak again, for you. I would. No matter how bad the outcome would be. No matter how badly you’d stomp on my heart. And no matter how many times I’d tell myself, ‘I told you so’.
You’d make me want to be weak, my love. It’d be worth it, as long as I had you.