I spent the majority of my college career being in ‘almost relationships’. You know what I mean – the kind of relationships that are almost to the finish line but never quite make it. I constantly felt like I was in a tortoise and hare chase – and I always fell short of making it in the end.
When someone ends a casual or almost relationship with you, it’s not exactly a proper breakup. But it’s also not exactly a small deal. It can hurt as much as a breakup from a ‘real’ relationship. And guess what? It can hurt even more.
Normally when I like someone and I get the sense that they like me too, I assume they will want to be exclusive with me and only me. But alas, it seems like nowadays everyone wants casual and cool instead of ever having the real thing.
In my junior year of college, I met this boy with eyes I could stare into for days. He was the ideal type of person for me. Witty, cute, not too cocky, and sweet as can be. I held his hand on the weekends and had movie nights with him on Fridays. I felt like I had known him forever and I really thought it was going to be different with him.
I honestly thought we were both on the same page.
I don’t know how it happened. I didn’t see it coming at all. I was expecting him to come to my door with that adorable smile. I was expecting him to come to my door planting kisses on me without a care in the world.
But no, all I got was a text saying he changed his mind. Yup. Just a text. No explanation. No apology. Just that.
He was never mine, I know. We weren’t ‘official’. We weren’t ‘together’. But it sure felt like it for a few weeks and months. And it sure felt like it was a real relationship. At least to me.
When he ended it, it sure felt like a breakup. I called all my girlfriends who armed me with tissues and my favorite pints of Ben & Jerry’s. I called my mom sobbing. And I cried myself to sleep for nights afterwards.
So maybe to him it was all casual. Maybe to him, I was nothing. But for me, it all felt real. It felt right. It felt good.
And that’s the thing about ending something that wasn’t really ever there in the first place. There are no rules, and no regulations. When someone changes their mind, you can’t convince them to stay. You can’t beg them to love you like you love them. It just ends without warning and without much thought.
Because you can’t really end something that was never really anything in the first place, can you?