What I Actually Mean When I Say, ‘I’m Happy For You’

The truth is, I’m not really happy for you. I’m not over the moon you fell in love with a girl and see a future with her now. I’m not happy. Even though that’s what I told you.

I know this make me seem like a terrible person. It makes me seem bitter and jealous and selfish. And maybe a part of me is.

I make small talk with you. I ask you what she’s like. I ask you what her hobbies are and what type of wine she likes. I ask you why you love her. I find out she is nothing like me. She doesn’t like to write. She doesn’t like to sing. But she has brown hair, just like me. And that’s the one thing I see in her, that reminds me of me.

I wonder if her hair reminds you of me when you wake up lying next to her. I wonder if the fact that she doesn’t have musical talent annoys you. I wonder if you ever think of me when you are with her. I only wonder for a bit, until I tell myself to stop it.

Of course you don’t think of me. She is beautiful. She is kind from what I can see. And she is perfect for you. So maybe I’m a little happy. Happy that you’re in a stable relationship. Happy you seem to have your life together.

But am I happy that you are in love with someone that isn’t me? No.

I hate it. I hate you and her together. I hate seeing it. I hate hearing about it and I hate thinking about it. I decide to make a joke with you and you tell me how grateful you are that we can talk about stuff like this. I wish you knew how sad my heart felt when I read those words.

And then I did something I wasn’t supposed to do. I told you I still loved you. I told you I saw a future of you and me. Forever like you said. I spilled my guts out. I told you, that even though it’s been three years, I still want you. I’m still in love with you.

You didn’t feel the same. And you won’t ever feel the same.

So when I say I’m happy for you, I don’t mean it. I don’t mean a single word or part of it. Because I’m happiest when I’m with you. And I’d be the happiest girl, to have a guy like you in my life again. If she becomes the girl you marry, I hope she recognizes how special you are. And I hope she loves you like I’ll love you until the day I take my last breath on this earth.