The truth is, you don’t know him anymore. And you haven’t for awhile.
I know you fantasize about him still. You see him, in your dreams and when you close your eyes. Still. After all this time? Yes, still. After all this time.
But, you’re smarter now. You know he’s not who you see in your dreams. He’s not the one who you put in your skeletal closet, to try to forget it all.
He’s not that person anymore. He was, a long time ago. But, not now.
He’s not the same guy who kissed you so innocently that august humid day. He’s not the same guy who fell in love with the way you said his name, and with the way you wrapped your arms around him in the spring. He’s not the same guy who wrote you letters in the fall and gave you promises in the winter. No. He’s not that guy anymore.
So, maybe it’s true. You miss the old him. The one who would do anything to see you light up. The one who would do anything to make you happy. You miss the one who always, always promised you forever. The proof was written all over his lips. And that was all you needed.
And it’s ok to miss the old him. It’s ok to miss how he made your heart leap and to miss the way his voice sounded like notes from a symphony. It’s ok to miss that person.
But, he isn’t that person now. You don’t know his favorite song, or favorite cafe anymore. You don’t know what he orders on amazon anymore, or what shoes he puts on when he wants to look dressed up. You don’t know who he kisses in the dark, and what drink he orders when he wants to get tipsy. You don’t know the little things about him that made you love him.
You don’t know the big things either. Like, the way he says your name if you ever come up in conversation anymore. You don’t know who his best friends are and who he goes to when he is hurting. And you have forgotten the way his laugh sounds, and you what it sounds like for him to say your name.
Because it’s been too long to remember.
You do not love him anymore. You just love the way it used to be. The way he used to be. And the way you used to be. You loved that. And you miss that.
But it’s gone now. That time is gone and that person is gone. So, please know that you aren’t crazy. You aren’t delusional. You aren’t pining away for someone who isn’t there anymore. You just love the way it used to be. You love those moments with the person that he was. And it’s ok to love the one who got away. It’s ok to love that boy. But know that you don’t love who he is now. Because, you will never get to meet that person. And there’s no point in loving someone who you will never see again.