I Won’t Regret You No Matter How Much You Hurt Me

tenchiphotos
tenchiphotos

You hurt me. Badly. But that was years ago, and I’ve forgiven you for all of it. And you’ve forgiven me for hurting you too.

You hurt me. And sometimes I glance down in surprise to see that all the scars still haven’t faded. I still unfold your letters that are now stored in a box instead of on my bedside table. I pass by the memories that are carved in my neighborhood.

I still see your shadow that follows me in the daylight. I think you’ll always be with me.

You hurt me. So horrifically, that sometimes I felt as if my whole body would break. And I almost wanted it to break. So I didn’t have to live without you. But even so, I will never regret you. And I will never regret us.

You were something that I never saw coming. And nothing could ever prepare me for what you gave through those years. You gave me strength. You gave me courage. You gave me beauty. You gave me laughter.

And you gave me my rays, so you could sit back and watch me shine. And boy, did I shine in your eyes.

Those rays disappeared for a little bit. After it was all over, I didn’t want to shine. I didn’t want to show my face. I didn’t want to do anything except to hear you say, “come back”. I didn’t want the world to have to witness my broken bones that shook every time I opened my mouth. I didn’t want the world to have to see my broken spirit. I didn’t want to show my shattered soul.

But, you taught me how to shine once. And that forever stayed with me, even though you didn’t. I got hurt by you, but you didn’t keep me down. Because, I knew that you would want me to shine by myself. You would want me to be happy on my own. To live my life according to me and not for anyone else.

I hope you know I’ll never regret you. I’ll never look back on my life and close my eyes to our memories. I will never wish you didn’t exist. You were my first love, and quite possibly the love of my life.

You were everything to me once. And so, you will be something to me always.

You will always be the boy who opened up my heart. You will always be the boy who I fell in love with. You’re not the guy who broke my heart anymore. You’re not the guy who broke me down. You are more important than to ever just have that title to your name.

You hurt me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still hold a place for you in my heart. You hurt me, but that doesn’t change what we were. We were everything that was right in the world. And I will never dare to regret that. And so, I promise you, I’ll never regret you.

I could never regret the person who helped me realize I could shine on my own. I could never regret the person who helped me realize I could love myself, on my own.TC mark

Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

For more poetry and writing follow me on Instagram!

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

“It’s just wondrous how every time I go through some emotional trauma, your posts are so relatable and it gives me so much hope. I love the writing and the photos. It’s all a pleasure to read. I can’t thank you enough for it, really.” — DM from @ThoughtCatalog Instagram follower

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