To My Future Boyfriend: Where The F$%* Are You?

Seriously, where are you? Can you please raise your hand if you’re mine? Can you show me a sign that at the very least you exist? Or maybe you could just let me know when you’re going to come around. Because, waiting around is getting kind of old. And boring.

Don’t worry, I’m not just wallowing around feeling sorry for myself. I go to bars, I go to parties, I have online dating apps (ok, so what if I’ve only been on one date? It gets so sketchy) and I have great friends. I’m not just sitting in my bed crying about how I haven’t met you yet.

I’m happy with my life.

I’m not saying you need to show up this instant. I’m not saying you need to be in my arms today. But, sometimes when I am alone, with just my own thoughts shouting at me, I get scared. I feel afraid. I get lonely. 

And I get it, it’s normal to have those fears. It’s normal to have anxiety about your future. But.

When those fears creep into my mind, it’s hard to make them go away.

They tell me I’m getting older, and I just might grow old alone. They tell me I will never settle down, and I’ll never find a soulmate. They whisper to me at night, telling me that I better hurry it up and start looking. They shout at me in the morning that I need to stop waking up by myself every day.

And sometimes I listen to those fears. My god, what if I never find you? What if you aren’t who I’m looking for? How long is it going to take? What if you don’t love me as much as I do? Then what? What if I can never find another you?

But having anxiety about the “what if’s” isn’t going to help me find you. And it isn’t going to change anything. I bet, if you were with me right now, you’d probably tell me to calm down. To chill. To relax. And I’ll try. Because I know that worrying about things that haven’t even happened, isn’t very beneficial. I’ll try to live in the now, and to keep focusing on what I do have instead of what I don’t. I’ll really try.

BUT. If you maybe wanted to show up tomorrow, that would be great too.

You’d probably save me from a lot of panic attacks and sleepless nights.

And at the next wedding I get invited to, I won’t have to go by myself for once. I’d finally have someone to hold hands with, and to say “I love you” with.

So, if you are out there, it’d be awesome if you could just let me know that one day, you’ll finally show up. It’d be amazing to know that you do in fact exist. Please, if you ever see me, say hi. Give me a wave. Or a nod. Even a hand shake would do.

To my future boyfriend: I don’t know where you are right now, or what you are doing. I don’t know your name or your favorite color. I don’t know what you look like. But just know that, when you do show up, I’ll be all yours. I’ll be your favorite thing to wake up to. And I’ll be your favorite thing to say goodnight to. You will be my person. And you will be my love.