This Is How You’re Still Holding Onto Your Ex (And Why You Don’t Even Realize It)

Liat Aharoni
Liat Aharoni

Sometimes, you may not even realize that you’re still holding onto forever with someone from the past. It’s easy for your heart to mask it, and to hide it, until BAM, it all comes rushing back. And you realize that in fact, he’s not gone from your mind at all. He’s never been gone. 

One day you wake up, and feel free of him. Finally, you can breathe more clearly. You can exhale the weight of the past from your shoulders. You are finally, finally clean. You walk down the street with an extra pep in your step, feeling on top of the world. You finally have mastered the art of letting go. You are on fire, and you’ve found a newfound confidence you’ve never had before. Friends say his name in your presence, and you don’t flinch. He pops up on your newsfeed, and your palms don’t sweat anymore.

And then the real test happens: he tells you he has a new girlfriend. And you. Don’t. Even. Care.

You think you finally did it. Surely, thoughts of him won’t ever come back to you. You have tossed him away. Now, he’s just a pile of letters and pictures in a memory box hidden underneath your bed.

But, that’s just the thing. You still hold onto the box. You still hold onto the pictures. You didn’t burn it like you said you would. And you wouldn’t dare open it up now. Because if you did, thoughts of him would pop up in your head like they did a year ago. And if you did that, you would dream of him kissing you on your mouth and wake up in a dreaded haze. And then when a guy walks by you on your way to work, wearing the same cologne as your ex, you have to convince yourself it isn’t him. But, it’s just all in your head right? You can’t be going crazy.

You’re just still in love with your past. After all this time.

Your head has tried to make you think you were over him. And it tricked you. Because if you look deep inside your heart, you’ll see that he still holds a part of it. He still is washed over a slice of it. And you still are holding on to that guy who broke your heart.

I know, it’s not easy to let go of your ex. It’s so fucking hard. You feel like it will never ever happen. But, maybe that’s just it. Maybe it’s ok to never let go. And to know that he will always have a special place in your heart.

I used to think I was over my ex. Completely. And that I would NEVER miss him again. But you know what? Sometimes, I do.

And sometimes, memories of him come back in bright flashbacks and soft whispers.

I guess my heart will always know the truth. And it knows it will never forget, no matter how many times my mind tries to convince me otherwise.

You are going to have months of clear thoughts. Of clean breathing. And of genuine smiles. And of clarity. But someday, you are going to get hit with that heartbreak all over again. And you’re going to miss the way he held you and the way he loved you so madly.

And it’s ok.

Honestly, I would be worried if your heart completely forgot about him. Your heart is too big to forget that kind of mad love. And guess what? It’s still beating, sweet girl. You’re still breathing. And you’re surviving. That’s all that really matters after all. Your heart is going to be ok. I promise. TC mark

Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

For more poetry and writing follow me on Instagram!

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

“It’s just wondrous how every time I go through some emotional trauma, your posts are so relatable and it gives me so much hope. I love the writing and the photos. It’s all a pleasure to read. I can’t thank you enough for it, really.” — DM from @ThoughtCatalog Instagram follower

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