The guy that keeps you up at night, the one you have waited years for and who hasn’t said “I love you” for months now, is never going to.
You wait for 365 days and start the new year over with him still on your horizons. He is always there, floating through your mind aimlessly, as if he were a part of your limbic system. He touched every skin cell on your body, and your lips can still feel the vibrations of his lips moving against yours. Your hair can still feel the soft touch of his hand when he pushed a piece back behind your ear. Your hands still feel the stronger, bigger fingers of his intertwining with your tiny ones. Your eyes still see him smiling brightly at you, forever etched in your memory.
Sometimes you think you are done waiting. You realize that maybe it wasn’t fate, and that maybe you can move on. But, then “Holocene” by Bon Iver blasts out from your speakers and suddenly you are transported back to desperate tongues, tangled sheets and clothes on his bedroom floor. You are transported back to dancing in the summer rain, holding hands in the dark, and watching him play guitar in your backyard.
The visions are so clear and the sounds are so close, you try to reach out and touch him for a second. But, he isn’t there anymore. He never will be there again.
Still, you wait because you think maybe, just maybe he will come back to you. Maybe you’ll hear him whisper ” I love you” one more time.
But at a certain point, when the rain stops and the sun starts to peak out from the dark clouds that like to weigh on you, you realize that you have to stop waiting. You need to remind yourself of who you were before you met the boy that left you. You need to remind yourself that you have a purpose and you are worthy of living. You will never forget him, but you have to put yourself first instead of letting the past of him erase your future. Don’t let him erase you, don’t let him waste your precious days that belong to you, not him.
You are more important that the guy who broke your heart. You are more important than the memories of him.