To everything that never worked out, thank you.
For so long, I couldn’t say these two simple words. I couldn’t turn my back on the past, no matter how much I wanted to. Blame it on my hyper-sensitivity, my wounded pride, my depression, and my anxiety, but I’ve never been one to take rejections or failures well at all. A door slamming shut in front of me has the power to send shockwaves through my body and render me helpless for years on end. I tried many times to move on and say, “It was for the best,” but somewhere in the back of my mind, I was still unconvinced. From time to time, I’d read a little passage about letting go and not being attached to a certain outcome, especially the ideal, hypothetical outcomes of past events that are no longer relevant to my current life. I’d go out for a short walk, take long afternoon naps, and write crappy journal entries (which I usually end up ripping up). I can have good days. I can feel quite content living at my own pace minding my own business. However, the lingering sadness and dissatisfaction still skew my perception of who I am and who I’m supposed to be, along with what I have and what I’m supposed to have.
I often think I should be a lot further than where I am now. But I know that every door that has ever shut me out would lead to where I’d never belong anyway. Maybe the only thing I can do right now is accept that I am where I am and I’ll live as I am, even when I’m terrified to go all in and start opening the door of the real me – the only me that’s surviving – because I know that if I keep venturing out there, I’ll still get caught up in the futile endeavor of knocking on doors that won’t lead to where I’m meant to enter. I’m supposed to be creating my own path even when there is no clear end within my line of vision. Even when the signs from everyone else are pointing me towards directions other than my own.
Maybe now, I’m at my breaking point. Or maybe I’m closer to a breakthrough because every time I think of past events that were once too painful to bear, I’m feeling lighter and slowly, everything is all making sense. And I want to say thank you.
To the hundreds of companies that have rejected me, thank you. Because now I know my entire worth isn’t in what I do for you, it’s what I do for me and I’m thriving in my own way.
To all the broken dreams of the future that have escaped from my tightly clenched fists, thank you. Because now I have the present moment with all that I need and the simplest of miracles bring me more peace than you ever did.
To those who were indifferent to me and never wanted to be my friend because you thought I was too bland and quiet, thank you. Because now I know I’m stronger in solitude and I can run freely like the lone wolf I am without needing to raise my voice or disrupt my inner calm to please any of you.
To the beast within that drove me to the point of self-destruction and bitterness, thank you. Because now I am healing, I am rising, and I am showing up to the world as I am with absolutely nothing left to prove.
To the angry words from everyone who’s ever yelled at me, thank you. Because I know that I am worth more than anything you say about me, and I do not need to grovel for your approval or force myself do anything that isn’t genuine to gain self-respect.
To every complicated life plan that fell to pieces, thank you. Because I’ve realized that I can’t take action or live a more genuine life that comes effortlessly if don’t love who I am first.
To everything that never worked out, thank you. Because now I arrive as the truest me I’ve ever known, the one who has outlasted the pain, the one who has endured all this time.