1. Insist on giving people directions, especially when they don’t need them:
Nothing says “I’m an adult” like butting into a conversation to tell some guy you barely know that it’s actually much faster to jet on over to Pico until you hit the 405.
Of course, it’s crucial to use phrases like “jet on over” or “shoot on down.”
2. Delete posts on Facebook/Instagram when they don’t pan out:
Remember, life’s not a competition. But it’s important to always put forth your best self, and quietly sweep everything else under the rug.
3. Express emotion overzealously, and then quickly revert back to normalcy:
The other day, I walked into Dunkin Donuts expecting to surrender a hard-earned $2.33 for a medium-sized coffee. I walked out with a free coffee, not knowing that there was some sort of free coffee giveaway going on.
This was a huge victory, which I acknowledged with a slightly embarrassing fist-pump. I then looked around, realizing people might’ve just seen me.
4. Own a vacuum, and actually use it:
I’m very serious about this one. Vacuums make such a huge difference. My apartment now has a vacuum, and it’s made me feel mature enough to talk to my doctor about scary man stuff.
5. Look up types of cheeses on wikipedia, and then reference them at dinner parties:
Another good move is to figure out what the cheeses are, look up some attributes of that cheese, and then drop a “I don’t think I’ve ever had a pecorino this sharp.”
Watch as you rack up the nods of approval. They’re basically real-life likes, which are almost as good.
6. Stave off the desolate void by checking your email:
Who needs a therapist when you’ve got the Crate & Barrel list-serve?
7. Buy rounds of drinks at the bar and manage not to outwardly hyperventilate upon seeing the bill:
The key is to act like Jimmy Cooper when the SEC comes over to his house during the first episode of The OC. Everything is totally fine. Totally fine.
8. Know the lead singers of bands from the 90s, and/or obscure lyrics from songs like Len’s Steal My Sunshine:
Better yet, choose Steal My Sunshine as your karaoke song. It’ll demonstrate that you came of age in a different time, but are still with it enough to let loose and not be out of place.
9. Interrupt conversational flow to rant about your refined cultural tastes:
When Netflix first released BoJack Horseman, I didn’t really look twice at it. I’ve never really been a huge fan of animated shows, and with so much other #content to consume it didn’t seem like a viable use of my time. Then I read this Vulture article about the show, and it really piqued my interest. The writer noted that the show was “one of the most aggressive portraits of depression I think I’ve ever seen,” so I felt I had no choice but to watch the show. Depression and anxiety are among the most unaddressed problems in America today — according to the ADAA 18% of Americans suffer from some form of anxiety disorder, which is more than most people tip at restaurants. On a recent Saturday afternoon, I decided to watch the show. I fell in love with it, and proceeded to watch the entire season over the course of the next two weeks. I was captivated by how the show managed to merge the inane with the super serious, and blend them in a way that portrayed life in an uncompromisingly honest way — a world in which everyone is far from perfect, everything is kind of funny, and funeral directors are maggots. There were payoffs that you had to wait multiple episodes to enjoy, which also seems to be a consistent with reality. Above all, it features perhaps my favorite joke of all-time, which involves political views and the panama canal. I’d tell you the joke here, but I don’t really want to spoil it — although I somewhat spoiled it by hyping it up it in the first place. Anyway, I’d highly recommend the show to anyone, and I’m very excited for the second season.
10. Spend more money than you’d otherwise spend at Macys so you could get $50 off your purchase, even though you needed to spend more than $50 on other stuff to get the $50 off:
I don’t think I will ever understand this. Someone please explain.