1. The one who is allergic to being on time.
Plans to meet at the tapas place at 9 30? Best tell this shining beacon of tardiness to arrive right at 8:45.
Also, disregard their text complaining about tapas. Sure tapas are overpriced and not even close to enough food before a night out, but you can’t go wrong with the tried and true combo of sangria and sexual frustration.
2. The one who’s always weird about the tip.
Everyone has a bad tipper friend — the friend who isn’t necessarily cheap, but for some reason has a complete inability to adequately compensate service professionals. You’ll get antsy when he buys a round of drinks or picks up the bill, and remain forever baffled when he slips a homeless dude a $10.
3. The one who you constantly make fun of when they’re not there.
I wouldn’t necessarily say this person is on par with Dane Cook’s infamous “the friend that nobody likes.” — you do like him, especially because your friendships with half the group rely on making fun of his every move.
Honestly, if it wasn’t for him you’d have pretty much nothing to talk about. Also, “he’s a really good guy.”
4. The one who forgets that the rest of you guys aren’t as cool as him/her.
In every group of friends I’ve had, there’s been a dude named Chad or Theo who, due to his striking combination of good looks and air of tortured vulnerability, has absolutely zero problem getting girls. Half out of cluelessness and half out of refusing to admit that his friends are kind of lame, he assumes that everyone is also going out expecting to bring home an attractive female.
The key here is just to make this guy believe his own lie.
5. The one who talks exclusively in buzzwords and Chipotle Guac.
Since this is 2014 and people are defined as mid-mid-late-early 20s introverts who are basic but also have opinions about Game of Thrones, someone in your friend group is probably subtweeting about you as you read this very article. If you don’t know what subtweeting is, it’s kind of like if you took Arianna Grande’s music, and explained it using Joseph Gordon Levitt movie quotes. This entire paragraph was probably too aggressive, but you get the point.
6. The bad behavior enabler friend.
Some people refer to these friends as “toxic,” but I think they’re pretty necessary — for whatever reason, the two of you together stirs up a combination of bad behavior, morning regrets, an overall appreciation for otherwise disapproved behavior.
These types of friends — or more accurately — enablers are excellent friends for when going through breakups, job losses, and other negative human realities. That said, there’s an important distinction between splashing around harmlessly and becoming best friends with this person.
7. The relationshipped up person, who is now terrible.
Pour one out for their ability to be fun.
You’re not gonna actively sabotage anything of course, but it’ll be a lot nicer once homeostasis is restored.
8. The one who’s always telling you how much better life was in 2003.
They proudly own a flip phone, spend most of their time talking about how terrible Facebook is for humanity, and have a weird obsession with bands like The Calling.
You admire his longing for simpler days of AIM buddy lists and nights spent on Ebaumsworld, but you’re increasingly worried about his obsession with that Badger-Badger-Badger-Mushroom, Mushroom video.
9. The one who’s always telling you about their awesome startup ideas.
A dating service for dogs? A picnic blanket that also doubles as a crowd-sourced pizza recommendation engine?
To be fair, a lot of the ideas have been pretty good. But to be real, every idea has also been supplemented with the line “I think this is the one that’s finally gonna make a dent.”