10 Modern-Day Signs You’d Be In Slytherin

I recently read this pretty humorous piece of Harry Potter-related writing by Rob Fee. It got me thinking about Slytherin, which I’ve always believed to be — by far– the most fascinating of all the houses. While certainly overshadowed by the whole evil thing, I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that the majority of “great people” our society has produced would likely end up in Slytherin. All-consuming ambition is of course incredibly dangerous, but when channeled properly and effectively it can yield some pretty amazing results.

I think particularly in the age we live in — one where things like fame for fame’s sake, incessant Facebook validation, and behind-your-back group texts are all the rage, there are a lot of opportunities for Slytherin-leaning people to flourish. With that, here are some modern-day signs you’d be donning the Green and Silver:

• While you’ll do anything to get ahead, you won’t really do anything to get ahead — you’ll look a few steps into the future, to ensure that the current compromisation of morals and integrity is in your best interest for the long-term. You’re not afraid to get your hands dirty, but you are very particular about which swamps you’ll bathe in.

• Your text flirt game is indecipherable. You’re obsessed with maintaining the upper hand…though once you get that upper hand there’s really no point to staying in that relationship.

• When in a group project, you’ll figure out how to do the least amount of work whilst getting the most amount of credit.

• Your social media presence feels genuine, but it’s actually a series of extremely calculated thoughts and premises that appear genuine. Some would argue there’s no difference between the two, but the difference is in the intention. Your first aim to maximize likes, retweets, followers, and your overall #personalbrand. Your second aim is to mold a personal brand around that goal, a side-product of which is feigned authenticity.

• You are not a blackout drunk. Having no control of your actions is amongst one of your greatest fears.

•  You work a job with ridiculous hours. Some people cringe at the prospect of 70+ hour-works, but you smack your lips like a ‘Merica-shouting southerner about to dive into some ribs.  If you’re not getting this sort of satisfaction from your job, you’re probably devoting the same sort of vigor to a #hobby or #sideproject.

• You buy self-help books, though you could care less about things like personal enrichment. You buy self-help books because its a means to an end — the end being achieving greatness in being able to cooked things that are braised.

• When a local diner, bookstore, or celebrated cupcake chain called Crumbs closes down, you could really care less. In fact, you’re kind of happy. If you can’t survive, you don’t deserve to exist. You’re all about that CharlesDarwinLyfe

• Your friendships are half predicated on status-based calculations, and half predicated on respect. That respect, however, is very much ingrained in the current moment. You’re not gonna be there for someone when they have nothing to offer, because people who have nothing to offer are undeserving of your time.

• You put yourself first, but that part might be misleading. You put yourself first in terms of what’s most important to you. I.e., if family is most important, you will do everything in your interest to protect and enhance the welfare of your family. If Lily Potter is most important, you will be the hero of a multi-billion dollar cultural enterprise. If finding the best bagel in New York City is most important to you, you’ll have a lot of opinions on scallion cream cheese.

You go after what you want, and you’ll never apologize for that. Nor will you ‘pologize — though I have a feeling modern-day Slytherins listen to much more Kanye than they do Onerepublic.