A few months back, supreme homeslice Chelsea Fagan wrote an article about the things you suddenly start wanting in your mid-20s. Because glasses have arbitrary amounts of water that are sometimes considered full and sometimes considered empty, I figured I’d do the opposite take — and talk about the things you no longer want once you hit that mid-20s stride:
1. Going to events, just for the sake of going to events.
Yesterday I had a nice, healthy conversation with a few friends. Because a bunch of people we knew were off polishing their instagram game over at Governor’s Ball (one of the 4 million music festivals taking the world by storm), we talked about our complete lack of desire to attend; albeit our understanding that we were probably in the wrong, as Governor’s Ball is clearly a “fun” event.
We then discussed that how, if we were in college, we all probably would’ve went. We noted that during your late teens and early 20s you owe it yourself to go to every type of event you can possibly go to — given that one of those events may be “your event,” or the thing you really identify with; the thing you want to immerse yourself in, and get involved enough to make friends and connect deeply with people who are also immersing themselves into that thing.*
*The making friends part is crucial, as you’ll then have people to you can proudly associate with on your Facebook cover photo. Gotta have that.
2. The Next-Morning Warzone Of Solo Cups
You wake up after a night of heavy drinking, and your apartment smells like a failed Project X audition. Rancid smells of early-morning whiskey, half-empty beers, and an overall staleness that would make even the most monstrous of old fridge items proud. The hours between 11am – 1pm are then spent doing damage control — putting on Kanye West Pandora* whilst emptying countless solo cups into the sink, and ensuring the apartment is in decent enough shape so you could play out your own unique offshoot of that Asher Roth song.
For the past half-decade or so, this was just something you did; kind of like doing the laundry, or having an opinion about McDonald’s fries vs. Wendy’s fries. Now, you’re more than cool with preventing this situation from ever needing to happen.
3. Friendships That Are There Simply Because They’ve Always Been There, But Aren’t Really Progressing
Friendships from college or your first job are certainly still maintainable, but now you may prefer to spend a weekend night learning about artisanal cheeses with a potential future spouse.
Those nights add up, and the pruning begins. Getcha hacksaws ready.
4. Overarching Advice Of Any Kind (Like This)
This is certainly the pot calling the kettle an unkempt haven’t showered in days hypocrite, but it’s also truth. And if there’s anything you know lists on the internet provide people time after time, it’s the hard-hitting truth.
My take on “advice” is that people, especially older people, are always right relative to their experience (they experienced the thing that made them have that opinion, meaning that it’s grounded in truth you are not yet privy to), and are usually always worth listening to. People your age, however, are the same people who didn’t read The Great Gatsby in high school english, and then didn’t even totally understand the Sparknotes. So you don’t always need to silence your headphones on account of them.
5. Intimate Knowledge Of Grimy Dance Floors
Everyone’s talking about the McConassiance, but nobody’s talking about the mid-20s bar-aissance — the incredible phase in which you go to a bar and not have your shoes stick to the floor.
Not that you’re no longer allowed to go to the types of places that blast Mr. Brightside whilst encouraging a frat-party type atmosphere, but doing this on the reg is increasingly a thing of the past.
Now it’s sometimes about sitting at the bar (like, the actual bar), talking about things you’d hate yourself for talking about a mere 2 years prior (buzzwords), and deciding to order the nachos. This hypothetical place has really good nachos.
6. Warrior-Type Accomplishments, That Aren’t So Much Accomplishments As They Are Stupid.
Actually eating breakfast is pretty great. Pulling all-nighters is pretty terrible. Eating an entire pie of Dominos Pizza just for the story does not sound remotely fun. Reruns of Man vs. Food still sound awesome.