1. Moving Through Crowded Parties 101
Overview: In this course, you’ll learn the various techniques that have enabled partygoers to slip and weave their way through crowds of drunk 18 year-olds time and time again. Note that this is a field study class, with many mandatory lab sessions on Friday and Saturday evenings.
2. Facebook Judging 304
Overview: Ever wanted to know if that profile picture means he’s deeply insecure, has extreme attachment issues, and will cause you to approach relationships in a horrendously cautious and jaded manner for the next 10 years?
Note that this course is only available to those who have completed “Selecting The Perfect Profile Picture,” or possess the proper Advanced Placement credits.
3. The Perfect Lie: How To Get Out Of Obligations Without People Hating You
Overview: Ever wonder why no one ever believed you when you said you had to go pick up your cousin from the airport because your Uncle couldn’t do it and your brother’s car is in the shop?
The Perfect Lie will teach you how to perfectly merge believability with specificity, and will also briefly touch upon the art of the always difficult “follow-up lie.”
4. Subtle Superiority In The Northeast
Overview: The primary objective of this class is to determine which portions of Westchester County are the pretentious ones. NEW THIS SEMESTER: A special two week workshop devoted entirely to Connecticut.
Ask your Academic Advisor about course offerings for other parts of the country.
5. Emojis 201
Overview: Despite the subject matter, this course is for serious emoji users only. By the end of this course, you will be required to know where every single emoji is located.
6. When To Not To Say “Hi” To People 101
Overview: The college social landscape is a tricky one to master; filled with situations in which its sometimes best to act like you’re best friends with someone who’s only an acquaintance, but other times more advantageous to completely ignore that same person.
Through the proven “Am I a dick?” method, we’ll learn what social approach is best for you!
7. The History Of The Slow Fade
Overview: The slow fade has been around since beginning of time — as we all know, Abraham attempting to kill his only son Isaac at the request of God (and not texting Sarah back amidst her freaking out that they were both gone) was the first known recorded instance of the slow fade.
We will examine why this particular slow fade attempt failed, as well as tackle other notable slow fade successes and failures throughout history.
8. Burrito Opinions 101
Overview: From Chipotle to Qdoba to Moes, having opinions on Burritos and other Burrito related affairs is amongst one of the most crucial skills for 18-22 year-olds all over the world. Here, you’ll learn just how upset to get when someone says that they prefer the burrito over the burrito bowl, as well as other important Chipotle hacks.
9 How To Never Move on From College
Overview: Usually taught by that guy who graduated 3 years ago but is for some reason still at frat parties, you’ll learn all the different ways you could shake your head and reminisce about how much better college was than the immediate future after college.
For the final exam, you will be required to write an internet listicle.
10. A Beginner’s Guide To Personal Finance
Overview: Given that this is probably the most important skill you need in the real world– particularly given how much it cost to attend this place — this is a class that is offered at our college.
I imagine this class is a required course offering at every college in America, but I don’t have their syllabuses so I can’t be sure.