1. He’s Asking Zero Questions

Texting, believe it or not, has a lot of parallels to actual conversation. If he’s not asking about your day, or about how the presentation went with James and Anna, it means that he probably — gasp — doesn’t even know who Anna is.

2. There Are No Weird Explanatory Things That Hint At His Vulnerability

Although I do think a baby being born warrants an exclamation point, I am a very conservative exclamation point user. Partly because I feel the punctuation is way overused, but partly because I don’t think frequent use coincides with my voice — i.e., if I decided to use an exclamation point at the end of this sentence, it would be so weird!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyrKa9Hk4zM&w=584&h=390%5D

Since “sounds good!” and other non-genuine exclamation points are all the rage in texts and emails nowadays, I’ll usually say something like “sounds good*” and then acknowledge the lack of exclamation point later in the email or text.

This, I believe, is a quirk. And it’s quirks like these that show that you are, however idiotic, an individual. And as we all know, showing someone you are an individual is the first step to marriage, 2 kids, and possibly a divorce.

3. You Can’t Feel Any Chemistry

Since we’re an ever-evolving species, attraction is now based on whether or not you put the word “totally” in a text that tries to convince a potential mate to come to the party.

Texting chemistry is huge. You gotta feel it. If you don’t, onto the next “kinda cute guy from Phebes.”

4. His Responses Feel Canned

Whether it’s something he read in a pickup artist book, something his girl-getting friend told him to say, or his “go to line,” he’s probably gonna try to woo you with these sorts of things initially. It’s actually pretty important that he does; it’s usually a good idea to be as general as possible at first, because the other party needs to know that you are in fact normal before they allow you to be weird.

But if that weirdness threshold is never crossed? Make like JoJo and Get Out (Leave).

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggWyUEuGcWY&w=584&h=390]

5. There’s No Addressing The Weird Texts In Person

This only really applies if there’s some sort of miscommunication, or tonal disconnect that sends one (or both) of you down the second-guessing spiral of doom.

Since it’s generally easy to “feel” that sort of awkwardness, the guy who actually cares will generally acknowledge said awkwardness. Of course, there’s a chance he lacks that sort of social awareness altogether, in which case he probably hasn’t realized that people stopped incessantly quoting Austin Powers 8 years ago.

6. There’s Zero Consistency Reply-Wise

If he’s replying at 27-43 minute intervals — with a consistency that feels organic, but clearly isn’t — you’ve got him right where you want him.

7. He Never Tries For A Joke

Jokes aren’t always gonna land. Guys bomb while flirting with girls for the same reason comedians sometimes bomb on stage; there are stakes involved, and you’re required to perform at a certain level in order to gain approval. With expectations elevated, that expectation isn’t always gonna be reached — that’s just reality.

But if he doesn’t try for a joke? That means that he doesn’t view this as a meaningful performance. Similar to #2, this usually implies he’s not willing to put himself out there.

8. When A Plan Is Raised, There’s A Particularly Long Lull

He’s probably also texting Ashley. He’s always wanted to be in a position where he could “weigh his options.” He never gets to weigh his options.

9. 95% one sentence replys, 5% long paragraphs

Particularly if that 5% occurs at around 11:30 on a Sunday morning.

This means he messed up big-time, and is hoping that a stab at faux-sincerity will salvage the not-a-relationship — thus enabling it to last another 13 days.

10. He’s NOT Drunk Texting You

This may sound like the opposite of everything hallowed internet lists have ever taught you, but look at it this way — if he’s not showing any interest at a time when his guard is completely let down, when else would he? If he’s not infatuated with you at a time when he’s able to release his true inhibitions whilst wistfully chomping down on ranch-soaked pizza, when else would he be?

Of course, hopefully this isn’t the only time. Nobody likes when drunk texting is the only time. Not even Enya.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wfYIMyS_dI&w=584&h=390]

Definitely not Enya.