5 Things Guys Are Thinking About During The First Date (Other Than Sex)

When it comes to first dates, society likes to paint the following picture:

Girl: I mean I learned a lot, but what can you really do with a French degree? None of the museums I applied for seem to care that I know how to properly pronounce the word croissant.

Guy: (nodding, checking his wallet to make sure he remembered a condom.)

Girl: It’s just so random the skills people will pay you for, y’know? Like I could’ve majored in finance, but…I don’t know…life’s weird.

Guy: (thinking about whether or not he should text his roommate to clean up his room.)

While this is of course decently true (men are pigs/dogs/hippopotamus’), it’s not entirely true. Especially in 2014, when first dates seem to have a much greater implications than they did back in the day — in a good deal of instances the physical intimacy has already occurred, so the prospect of a “date’ is simply a socially fawned upon agreement to test the waters before things move further.

With that in mind, here are a few things guys are thinking about when they are getting to know a female companion over kale caesar salads:

1. Were there too many awkward silences?

Awkward silences occur when both parties realize that, despite being on a date, they are both ultimately alone. Given that the entire point of relationships is the erase our perpetual fear of being alone, awkward silences are a lot like an aptly named Sum 41 album that would be incredibly corny if actually typed out and inserted into this sentence.

Especially if we were the one’s who asked you on a date, we will feel compelled to steer the conversation. Too many awkward silences indicate we’ve failed miserably in that regard, which means that our ego will have taken a jarring hit. As you probably know, men don’t do well with a bruised ego.

2. Does it feel like I’ve known this person for a lot longer than I actually have?

The best dates are the ones where, by the end, you feel like you’re already old friends — you have like 7 different articles you want to send them, and can’t wait to hear what they have to say about the newly leaked Childish Gambino track.

If the conversation feels unexpectedly worn-in, we’re probably just as amped as you are. The only real difference is that while you may proceed to have a 2 hour facetime with your now-jealous best friend, we’ll simply use words like “amped” and end up telling no one.

3. Do I feel compelled to clean up my act for this person?

If you’ve ever been in the bedroom of a single man between the ages of 18-26, there’s a 50% chance it’ll look like halfway house that just got egged by a strung out, 37 year-old Justin Bieber and his lifelong friend Big Za.

With that in mind, a good way to figure out if a man is in love you is to bring up the subject of his room and what it looks like. If he stresses that “it’s a complete mess,” forty times over, it means he’s smitten.

4. Dealbreakers

Dating is more or less a game predicated on process of elimination. Just like you can’t date a guy who constantly says the phrase “crushin’ it,” we can’t handle someone with a terrible laugh.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9h1W5CX6RwI&w=584&h=390]

It’s very important to be on the lookout for these early, given that bad relationship quirks are a lot like your roommate who always puts his feet on the coffee table right next to your food — if you don’t say anything right away, you’ll get to a point where it’s too late to address the issue. As I can tell you from experience, this is the earthly equivalent of hell.

5. Should I put more salt on this pasta, or would that make me look too crazy?

The things we do for love.