2013 was a banner year, in the sense that somebody probably got a banner made to support their high school’s mediocre football team. Here are some quick facts that could help put 2013 in perspective.
Note: The format here was inspired by the “Statistics” portion of Demetri Martin’s “This Is A Book,” which is now being plugged.
1. A recent 12 month study found that 100% of active instagram users are significantly less interesting than their instagram accounts.
2. This year, military experts deemed negative comments about Jennifer Lawrence the greatest internal threat to our country.
3. A recent study found that if your fro-yo gives you brain freeze, you should probably tweet about it. Twice.
4. Doctors discovered that the #1 killer of bad moods is Pitbull music.
5. Kale chips are 35x more likely to be talked about than actually eaten.
6. Studies show that 75% of women feel thoroughly disappointed after receiving a Snapchat from a male love interest. The other 25% feel utterly horrified.
7. This year, over 100 million mothers were blissfully unaware that their daughters have decided to honor the family name by putting a twerking video on YouTube.
8. Psychiatrists have determined that people have continued to be (a. extremely rational, and (b. completely original when it comes to their opinions of the band Nickelback
9. A nationwide survey of baristas found that 100% of people who “work” at coffee shops only do so in ironic quotation marks.
10. Podcasts are four times more likely to be pitied than actually listened to.
11. 100% of Spring Breaks that James Franco attended were talked about by hip professors at overpriced private colleges.
12. Increased Netflix subscriptions were found to be directly correlated to the increased number of leeches on society, worthless shitheads, and scary looking babies named Frank Underwood.
13. This year, 92% of sentences including the word Beyonce also included the word “perf.”
14. Four out of every five “haters” were found to be misunderstood people who “are so alone, please help.”
15. 100% of Washington Redskins owners named Dan Snyder own a football team that’s offensive to the sport of football.
16. 90% of JD Power’s Associates are at a loss at to why they haven’t been promoted after decades of being mere associates. The other 10% haven’t done any real work in years, and couldn’t be happier.
17. 100% of people who weren’t sure what smartphone to get were found to be incredibly annoying.
18. Society remains unclear as to whether or not rapper Lil Wayne should still be considered da bomb like tick, tick.
19. Three out every four things your friend said was total bullshit.
20. Experts determined that if your name is Louis CK, everyone will continue to be jealous.
21. For the 30,000th year in a row, people between the ages of 20 and 29 discovered that they are in fact, in their 20s.
22. Scientists have uncovered new evidence to support The Big Bang Theory, but appear to be completely stymied by the new developments. One scientist named NBC Entertainment Chief Bob Greenblatt was quoted as saying “how the fuck did they get a syndication deal?”
23. Four out of every five Facebook users felt much more comfortable liking a link or a status update if they didn’t have to be the first person to “like” it.
24. A 2013 Pew Research poll found that for the 27th consecutive year, people who “grab drinks” to talk about “projects” that “would definitely be a great fit” are really bad at giving people direct answers. The poll also found that these same people really good at offering to buy Tequila shots.
25. This year, Drake officially became the nation’s leading exporter of questionable masculinity.
26. 95% of clothing articles contemplated suicide after hearing they were going to be worn by Justin Bieber. The other 5% were snapback hats.
27. 100% of tweets joking about someone who just died were not at all about the person who just died.
28. For the 45th straight year, a government survey found that 4 out of every 5 people who drink tea are better than you.
29. Two out of every three “thinkpieces” were x’ed out after the reader realized it was a thinkpiece.
30. Four out of every five times you thought you just got a text were actually just incredibly sad moments.