I’ve gone on a few first dates in my life, which means I am therefore incredibly qualified to pose as an expert in this field. With this in mind, here’s how you can tell that ya boy is head over heels for you by the time your caesar salad arrives:
1. His Posture Is Akin To A Dandelion Bending Towards The Sun After A Prolonged Series Of Dreary Days
Not only is this an exceedingly average metaphor to epitomize the level of his attraction relative to his recent experiences with women, but it’s true. When dudes are really into their girl (or guy) person, they tend to convince themselves that their chair is lined with spiky metal things worthy of a Super Nintendo Game.
Of course if he does this too much you should be a bit scared. So look for him to occasionally “catch himself,” and readjust accordingly. This cycle should repeat every 5-7 minutes.
2. He Gets Really Excited Upon Figuring Out Strange Coincidences
“You used to go skiing at Waterville Valley too? Man I…yep, Valley Run! Remember that mexican restaurant? Chili Peppers? Man the wait there was always soooooo–yea, I know!”
3. He Asks Follow Up Questions
Guys are generally terrified of asking girls questions. This is because asking a girl a question means committing oneself to a 3-5 minute black hole, a highly challenging exercise in whimsical nodding and exceedingly random “uh-huhs.”
This is arguably why dates happen less nowadays, and why the very act of going on a date is a huge deal–it means the guy is willing to overcome his natural predisposition to question avoidance.
Questions are gonna happen during a date because that’s how getting to know someone works. But look for the follow-ups. Follow-ups mean that not only is he generally interested in what you have to say, but that he’s registered enough of what you’ve said in order to ask a follow up. Huge.
4. Callback Jokes
By far, the easiest social setting joke making strategy is the callback. The callback, if you don’t know, is when the waiter is all like “it’s burrry cold outside tonight.” Then 10-15 minutes pass, you get a beer and make a weird face when sipping it because some guys do that, and you acknowledge that weird face by saying the beer is burrry cold.
Callbacks are a great first date tactic, because they’re a formulaic way to establish inside jokes. Inside jokes = being friends. Inside jokes = sometimes being more than friends.
(If he likes you, he will rely on this heavily. The more he makes, the closer you’ll be on some weird courtship level.)
5. He Is Genuinely Shocked At How Late It’s Gotten
When people talk about love, they sometimes make references to time standing still. This is because love is so great and powerful (like James Franco’s Oz), that it transcends mere earthly functions like time. Which is why it being 10:51 is really surprising.
6. He Does The “Put Away Your Wallet” Thing A Little Bit Too Adamantly
This isn’t because he’s against #BroFeminism2013, it’s because he…wait for it…actually likes you–like a lot–and this is a gesture that underscores that. The over-adamance is (a. because he likes you, and (b. because the bill is wayyy more than he’s comfortable spending. But again, this is somewhat the point of liking someone. (For the first date, at least)
7. After One Date, It Feels Like You Guys Have Been Friends For Years
When you take a step back and think about it, this is where it gets a little bit frightening, a little bit scary. But it’s a good scary. The best scary. And just like #HokeyPokey94, that’s what it’s all about.