1. Sometimes, you fear you’ll end up becoming an alcoholic. Then you go out. And suddenly, that fear is gone for weeks.
2. You’ve had a sore throat for the last four years.
3. There are few things better than Saturday autumn day-drinking. There are few things worse than waking up from that nap at 10 15 pm, the night completely “shot”. Why must you do this to yourself every week?
4. At times, it’s like you can feel your liver rotting inside you.
5. Many a night out, you’ll approach drinking with the stubbornness of a six-year old who doesn’t want to go to Church. But then the third drink in, some sort of switch gets flipped and you’re in this more than anyone at the pregame.
6. About 81% of the time, the sight and smell of alcohol sickens you.
7. There are few better feelings than that early morning “drinking adrenaline” that pumps through you after a wild night out. Though you’re absolutely terrified for what’s gonna happen when it fades away in two hours. Misery is coming, featuring that Ned Stark meme.
8. You tell people you’re very much over shelling out Hamilton after Hamilton on drinks in the hopes of (probably not) getting with/meeting someone at the bar. Keyword, tell.
9. When drunk, you can usually feel the hangover coming on. Any second now. Late at night, it’s like a venn diagram.
10. You really don’t know how you feel about the hair of the dog. It’s like hooking up with an ex you’re still pretty attracted to, even though they totes “screwed you over.”
11. You’ve eaten that drunk pizza upon sobering up. And upon tasting its true colors, you have no idea how anyone could eat this without being six beers deep, and briefly consider making that plunge just to make your lunch more tolerable.
12. At the office or library, a sudden Spotify burst triggers some sort of insatiable thirst for pregame glory. But in a weird way, it’s almost better imagined–actually living that fantasy probs wouldn’t end well.
13. Weeks are spent waiting till Friday night. The rest of the weekend is spent dreading next Friday night.
14. All in all, the tone at which you talk about drinking sounds a lot like the tone you talk about that couple who’s breaking up and getting back together every four weeks.
15. You look at your “actually on the verge of becoming an alcoholic friend” with a mix of disgust, pity, and awe. You’re also one of the few people who can keep up with him.
16. There are few things better than sweating all that whiskey out of your system. And there are few things worse than sweating all that whiskey out of your system.
17. Rallying friends to take a shot is always a good idea–until you see how much alcohol was actually poured in that shot, that is.
18. When you read New York Times and Wall Street Journal stories about the pervasiveness of binge drinking, you agree. So you shake your finger at yourself.
19. Your parents, who drink wine every night, are sick and twisted people.
20. You’re not exactly sure why you’re drinking this much; you really don’t need to. Then you go to work the next day for 13 hours. “Oh, right” you think to yourself.
21. By this age, you’re past your prime. Part of you is sad, part of you thinks the law is funny. But mostly, you’re just relieved.