35 Things That Only Extremely Single People Do

1. You wholeheartedly enjoy eating cereal straight from the from the box.

2. You resent the fact that everything society has to offer–from hotel packages to meal options at chain restaurant–seems specifically designed for two people.

3. You get temporarily excited about the fact that your roommate’s new boyfriend/girlfriend has single roommates.

4. You don’t get disappointed when those roommates aren’t up to par, because obviously.

5. You bathe in the sea of properly-adjusted self-deprecation.

6. …and therefore pump out Facebook status gem after Facebook status gem.

7. You spend entire dinners telling their friends about how freaky and batshit crazy the Netflix documentary they just watch was. Clearly, they are all worried in that minor lip-biting way.

8. You’ve ceased stressing and thinking about being in a relationship, because in the words of wonderful songstress Stacie Orrico, “There’s Gotta Be More To Life, Than Chasing Down Every Temporary High.”

9. You lead a life where “your friends are kinda concerned, but ultimately not that concerned.”

10. You constantly entertain wild, all too memorable threesomes. (Couch + Blanket + Alcohol.)

11. You appease the looming sense of existential Friday evening dread by engaging in whimsical activities. Like ordering a $90 juice blender.

12. You then spend an incredibly unnecessary amount of time (3-4 hours) figuring out where to put said juice blender.

13. You get so immersed in your own gender-designed entertainment vertical, you begin to expect that the opposite sex also knows everything about The Real Housewives. 

14. You’ve stopped resenting your other friends for trying to make you feel included, because you’re actually pretty thrilled that you don’t have to go to that terrible pregame.

15. You personify your pet to the point that it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that it’s thinking about picking up yoga.

16. You spend evenings power ranking the hookups your exes have had after you, and actually wholeheartedly enjoy the ridiculous game.

17. You use Chinese takeout trays to concoct some sort of impressive apartment artwork display.

18. You forget that the kitchen table is not a place to stack endless hordes of takeout menus, but rather a place to eat meals.

19. You’ve made mental note of every single cool/trendy restaurant in your neighborhood. But the list has become so long, you’ve had to go to your brain’s CVS to buy another notepad.

20. You’ve started to make those dreaded “If neither of us are with anyone by age 40” deals with those in your friendzone. But you’re really hoping that (insert your 2013 diety, or lack thereof here) that they’ll find someone. What a terrible drunken agreement.

21. You actually have a much better grasp on who you’d be willing to date, just because the process sounds like such a brutal change.

22. On more than three occasions, you’ve referred to the city that you live in as the love of your life.

23. You’ve subconsciously developed about two hours worth of standup material based solely on your online dating experiences.

24. You use your blow dryer/shampoo container/stray sneaker as the microphone to launch your in-apartment singing career. To anyone else, this would be great entertainment.

25. You debate selling all those unused condoms you’ve got on craigslist, only to realize what that sounds like.

26. People have abandoned trying to “set you up.” Phew.

27. When going out, you actually have fun.

28. And stay out late enough to crush McDonald’s breakfast.

29. Because of the aformentioned ability to have fun, you will inevitably widen your social horizons, given that your relationship friends are fast asleep and its down to you and your one somewhat embarrassing, but solid energy player of a friend.

30. The length of your single reign is tied directly to the growth and impressive proliferation of your sarcastic wit.

31. Pinterest.

32. You don’t go see The Book of Mormon on Broadway, and don’t cap the night off with dessert drinks. And you therefore have enough money to pay rent.

33. You actually move to Seattle and take up botany, because there’s nothing to hold you back. Except of course, the prospect of dropping everything to move to Seattle to take up botany.

34. On occasion, you refreshingly realize how empowering your situation actually is, and resolve to address life with unnecessary exclamation points!

35. You end texts to those you are attracted to by saying “haha,” but hate yourself for ending the text with a “haha.” Feigned detachment is so hot right now.