1. Even if your target Nice, Jewish Boy (NJB) doesn’t seem to have a strong religious base, there’s a 100% chance that at least three quarters of his friends are Jewish. You therefore must prepare to hang out with people who wage friend wars based on bagel place preference. This stereotype is real.
2. Bad tipping and overall cheapness is NOT necessarily included. Very much like people who heckle Dave Chapelle, this is just an unfortunately loud minority. Rather, it’s the zeal behind our frugality that’s responsible for this stereotype–we get irrationally into particulars.
3. If you’re aiming for a sound 5’11” man, you’re looking in the wrong place. The standard equation here is 5’8″>X<6’2″. X = No Jews.
4. At some point we’ll want to grow a beard.
5. You’ll have to endure hour-long reminisce sessions about summer camp. The stories will be significantly less impressive than the tone in which they are told.
6. You may have to attend a teen tour reunion or two.
7. You’ll quickly learn that Jews are from approximately 10 places in America, and that this “Jewish Geography” you’ve been hearing about is scarily real. If you break up, hearing words like “Rockville” or “Syosset” will come with an intense pang.
8. We like our sandwiches either nauseatingly dry, or nauseatingly wet.
9. A history of oppression means that from getting stuck in traffic to overall life outlook, we skew incredibly pessimistic.
10. There’s a good chance we like music that, when juxtaposed to the environment in which we were raised, is mind-numbingly laughable. We’re all about bringing back hip-hop.
11. If we’re not observant, there’s a good chance we’re very vocal about our enjoyment of bacon, sausage, and other delectable and severely unKosher foodstuffs. Think of this as the Jewish equivalent of poorly endowed people who buy Porsches.
12. If you’re looking to get serious, know that discussions about bowel movements is slowly going to creep into your frequent conversation topics. I’m assuming that by marriage, it reaches the top 5.
13. You’ll quickly learn that thinly-sliced lox are the only way to go.
14. After a year of dating and getting absorbed into his home life, you’ll be exposed to enough Berg, Stein, and Katz suffixes that you’ll feel like you’re in a never ending game of refrigerator word-magnet mixing and matching.
15. We’ll feel really strongly about the temperatures at which our food is served.
16. That perpetual aura of unrest we’ve got means we’re exceptionally good in bed.
17. When it comes to fashion sense, there’s an 85% chance you’re gonna be fighting an uphill battle.
18. Not all of us are terrible dancers. Just most of us.
19. Our childhood bedroom likely has an Adam Sandler poster.
20. Most of us try as hard as we possibly can to make our worldview seem nearly identical to Larry David’s.
21. If you’re looking for some inside info–the daily ongoings of Jewish men could be excellently summed up by the remarkably mensch-minded twitter account, @JewBoyProblems.
22. We have an irrational obsession with diners. Takeout chinese food is a close second.
23. We’re most likely terrible at “handy” work around the house.
24. There’s a reason our counterparts are called Jewish American Princesses. We treat our ladies rather well.
25. If our mothers don’t approve, you’ve got no chance.