1. Being old is hip. It means that you appear to have more problems than the rest of your peers. It also means you are a tortured soul. Being a tortured soul enables you to stare out at a lake for an uncomfortably long time in a low budget, independent film.
2. Very much like when you were in 7th grade and a few people you know started doing drugs and having sex (WHAT?!?!? FRED?!?! FRED TRAVERS?!?!), one of your close friends is now involved in something that’s supposed to be reserved for people 10 years your senior–be it marriage, kids, or a real-live mortgage.
3. You’ve convinced yourself that when you were that age, no chance did you look that young.
4. Your fave sushi/sake/karaoke place that you always used to go to, and forged all your most important memories in, recently closed because they had a dispute with the landlord. You can never again sing The Proclaimers with such zeal, and DuPont Circle will never be the same. :(
5. You’ve recently experienced a break-up of magnitude–which automatically ages you about forty years.
6. You found something sorta dark out about your ex that you hadn’t known before…which ages you about another 40 years.
7. You recently achieved an “adult milestone,” such as getting into a fender bender and exchanging insurance information with someone who keeps saying some sort of phrase you’ve never heard of, and expects you to know what he’s talking about.
8. You recently leveled up in terms of clothing–hoodies for regular sweatshirt, backpack for a “man bag.” At the risk of getting shit on by all your friends who eat pizza and get directly marketed to by Bud Light, make sure to refer to this as something other than your “man bag.”
9. Upon seeing a friend you hadn’t seen in a while–something you’ve been looking forward to for weeks–you immediately realized you no longer have anything in common. Which is heartbreaking in so many ways, considering you once smoked weed together on that roof–a story that was a lot cooler than
10. You just realized that some sort of big-time event that “feels like yesterday” was actually three years ago.
11. You’re trying as hard as you possibly can not to be the “can you believe it’s already October?” guy, but…can you believe that it’s already October?
12. These pop stars are singing about sex and they are like 7 years old.
13. Someone you grew up with is getting kind of famous, and what the hell.
14. Someone you grew up with is getting kind of famous, and for a second you don’t know why jealously is your default reaction…until you remember that he always begged to copy off you in AP US History, and you’re the one who can’t pay rent and is living off pizza rolls.
15. You’ve accrued some sort of secret that you can’t tell anyone, because it’ll totes ruin a friendship you value. You proceed to hate yourself for all eternity–perhaps unfairly, perhaps not–but this is something that will age you another 40 years.
16. At times, you view staying awake past 11 pm as some sort of deranged suicide mission.
17. After watching that Louis CK thing about smartphones, you pondered the futility of day to day existence for an unnaturally long time.
18. <– That age feels like centuries ago. Well, it actually doesn’t feel like centuries ago because then you wouldn’t’ve had a flip phone and the glory of T-9 texting.
19. At this rate, you’re pretty convinced that you’ll end up being an angsty 38 year-old who sneaks Dashboard Confessional songs in between diaper changes.