The 9 Worst People Of 2013

Note: These people aren’t so much “the worst” as they are very easy to mock, and almost exclusively indicative of recent technological and human progress, or lack thereof.

The Overactive Celebrity

As much as HuffPostEntertainment might try to convince us otherwise, celebrities are actual people. Meaning that they too, have experienced their fair share of empty cheetos bags just falling short of garbage basket.

When it comes our peers and other “normals,” the social media bar is set laughably low. (See: last night’s VMAs, or any other culturally relevant event that quickly devolves into a pathetically humorless, hashtag-induced screaming match) But because celebrities are supposed to represent #peaksociety, they, unlike us, are not supposed to (entirely) suck.

Sadly, recent years have demonstrated that when given unbridled access to social media, celebrities are far from immune to one of the few universal human truths; people who don’t shut the fuck up are very annoying.

The Invisible G-Chatter

Observing the world with a Patrician-esque condescension, the invisible g-chatter spends weeks in his or her non-transparent window, dropping chat missiles to their lesser, “available” friends. Of course the invisible g-chatter doesn’t really compare to the hordes of people who keep that red status on for weeks. Obviously, there’s zero point in being really fucking busy unless you’re able to tell as many people as possible.

Unplugged Ulysses

The primary purpose of any issue, of course, is for someone to exhibit really adamant, blatantly controversial opinions regarding its subject matter. Spending too much time on the internet is no exception, something UU makes abundantly clear.

A name that clearly needs to be brought back, the former alcohol-happy Union General and James Joyce mainstay plays a much more unfortunate role in 2013. An advocate of going days without phones, laptops, and other inventions championed by productive members of society, Ulysses finds himself at an unfortunate crossroads. While his approach is certainly understandable given modern-day all consuming #screenlife, he is at once too radical and not radical enough–it’d be a lot more entertaining if he just went full amish.

Deftly Detached Dan

Because our twitter and instagram feeds give off the illusion that a shit ton of things are happening at all times, its easy to get overwhelmed. Deftly Detached Dan, unplugged in his own right, has taken the dickhead boyfriend approach to the internet. After all, why bother listening to anything anyone has to say when you could just respond with ear-curdling sarcasm?

With a wit dryer than that piece of tumbleweed rolling across the desert, Deftly Detached Dan’s primary goal in internet life is to appear as emotionless and “hardened” as possible. This may have been popular a few years back, and yours truly is most certainly an offender from time to time, but DDD’s are starting to go out of style.

“I think it was…”

The old adage tells us that knowledge is power. But in 2013, knowledge is sometimes a detriment to cool.

Certain conversations, particularly those with de facto intellectual and/or cultural resonance, can sometimes feature people who, despite full-well knowing that Anthony Keidis is this lead singer of Red Hot Chili Peppers, will decide to make statements like “I was reading this article about Red Hot Chili Peppers, about Flea, I think the singer’s name is Anthony…Kiedis maybe?”

Your friend who lives in East Bushwick isn’t the only offender here. Even big-time conversationalists, like Grantland podcasters Bill Simmons and Chuck Klosterman, are hilariously impressive violators. Whether the motive here is to appear busy (and therefore “above” knowing certain useless knowledge), or to maintain a conversational plane low enough (as to not threaten the opposing party with superior intellect) these specimen are an infuriating pleasure to observe. Especially cause they generally tend to know everything.

Breaking Bad & The Wire

Most of us, really.