The 9 Worst People Of 2013

Note: These people aren’t so much “the worst” as they are very easy to mock, and almost exclusively indicative of recent technological and human progress, or lack thereof.

The Overactive Celebrity

As much as HuffPostEntertainment might try to convince us otherwise, celebrities are actual people. Meaning that they too, have experienced their fair share of empty cheetos bags just falling short of garbage basket.

When it comes our peers and other “normals,” the social media bar is set laughably low. (See: last night’s VMAs, or any other culturally relevant event that quickly devolves into a pathetically humorless, hashtag-induced screaming match) But because celebrities are supposed to represent #peaksociety, they, unlike us, are not supposed to (entirely) suck.

Sadly, recent years have demonstrated that when given unbridled access to social media, celebrities are far from immune to one of the few universal human truths; people who don’t shut the fuck up are very annoying.

The Invisible G-Chatter

Observing the world with a Patrician-esque condescension, the invisible g-chatter spends weeks in his or her non-transparent window, dropping chat missiles to their lesser, “available” friends. Of course the invisible g-chatter doesn’t really compare to the hordes of people who keep that red status on for weeks. Obviously, there’s zero point in being really fucking busy unless you’re able to tell as many people as possible.

Unplugged Ulysses

The primary purpose of any issue, of course, is for someone to exhibit really adamant, blatantly controversial opinions regarding its subject matter. Spending too much time on the internet is no exception, something UU makes abundantly clear.

A name that clearly needs to be brought back, the former alcohol-happy Union General and James Joyce mainstay plays a much more unfortunate role in 2013. An advocate of going days without phones, laptops, and other inventions championed by productive members of society, Ulysses finds himself at an unfortunate crossroads. While his approach is certainly understandable given modern-day all consuming #screenlife, he is at once too radical and not radical enough–it’d be a lot more entertaining if he just went full amish.

Deftly Detached Dan

Because our twitter and instagram feeds give off the illusion that a shit ton of things are happening at all times, its easy to get overwhelmed. Deftly Detached Dan, unplugged in his own right, has taken the dickhead boyfriend approach to the internet. After all, why bother listening to anything anyone has to say when you could just respond with ear-curdling sarcasm?

With a wit dryer than that piece of tumbleweed rolling across the desert, Deftly Detached Dan’s primary goal in internet life is to appear as emotionless and “hardened” as possible. This may have been popular a few years back, and yours truly is most certainly an offender from time to time, but DDD’s are starting to go out of style.

“I think it was…”

The old adage tells us that knowledge is power. But in 2013, knowledge is sometimes a detriment to cool.

Certain conversations, particularly those with de facto intellectual and/or cultural resonance, can sometimes feature people who, despite full-well knowing that Anthony Keidis is this lead singer of Red Hot Chili Peppers, will decide to make statements like “I was reading this article about Red Hot Chili Peppers, about Flea, I think the singer’s name is Anthony…Kiedis maybe?”

Your friend who lives in East Bushwick isn’t the only offender here. Even big-time conversationalists, like Grantland podcasters Bill Simmons and Chuck Klosterman, are hilariously impressive violators. Whether the motive here is to appear busy (and therefore “above” knowing certain useless knowledge), or to maintain a conversational plane low enough (as to not threaten the opposing party with superior intellect) these specimen are an infuriating pleasure to observe. Especially cause they generally tend to know everything.

Breaking Bad & The Wire

Most of us, really.

Over-Assuming Olaf (AKA FOMO Inducers)

Like many people in their early 20’s, I spent this past Sunday morning pretending that I was 43 years old–an exercise that consisted of, in no particular order:

  • Listening to music worthy of a  Carrie Mathison study playlist
  • Drinking “exotic sounding name so we can charge you more” coffee
  • Being a big-time suck-up for this job by reading this book. (My professional motives aside, this was a joy and a half to read, and the proliferation of the faux-dive bar is most certainly the among the greater tragedies of the modern era)

My girlfriend, a much more learned cookie than I, spent this time scouring the New York Times. One article she came across talked about Google Glass, though it didn’t so much talk about Google Glass as it talked about how much the author knew about Google Glass–peppering the piece with an unjustifiably arcane tone, ensuring that those who had only cursory knowledge of this fairly new technology would have zero idea what the author was talking about.

As the internet and pop culture continue to diversify their increasingly niche portfolios, this sort of snobbery has taken itself to an entirely new L7vel. Ash Pournori shoutout intended.

Guy Who’s Always Sharing Onion Articles

With gems like “Group of Friends Engage in Passionate, Incoherent Discussion About Current Events” and “Man Says Fuck It, Eats Lunch at 10:58 am,” The Onion has cultivated a group of rabid, devout followers that would make all those Facebook Fans of  Pope Urban II seem tame.

Worshipping a publication that “just gets it,” and “straight kills it every fucking time” is one thing. But the Onion’s legions of relatively educated 21-27 year-olds are responsible for something far more nefarious; sharing the humor scripture with an overarching tone of profound simplicity. The sort that somewhat implies that they, debatably productive human and diehard fan of jalapeno poppers, easily could’ve came up with said article and are on the same intellectual wit plane as the Onion gods.

Universal Value Enforcers

The way the internet works, news stories and/or ongoing issues tend to fall into narratives where a certain stance or opinion is construed as the “correct” one. Sometimes, this is necessary and/or highly conducive to expediting long overdue social progress (see: Gay marriage, racial equality, WEED). Other times though, this sort of thing is abused to the point of no return, inevitably ostracizing anyone who may have an alternative outlook.

The Internet may be the final frontier of free speech, but there’s a big difference between free speech and ruthlessly promoting previously unaccepted values. Remember to approach shit with a clear and critical mindset.Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Lance Pauker

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