Next year, I will allow myself to be loved.
I won’t carry all the baggage I’ve been so prone to holding on my back- all of the past lovers and all our mistakes. I won’t keep beating myself up over all the things about me that aren’t perfect. I won’t convince myself that I am not worth love, or even happiness for that matter. I won’t allow past voices to ring in my ear echoing all of my shortcomings- and if they do show up, I will learn to drown them out, I will learn to not believe them.
Next year, I won’t throw my guard up at every single attempt someone makes to show me love and devotion. I won’t try to create distance between myself and someone I know I could truly fall for- because I have the habit of believing that I don’t deserve real love, or that the love being shown to me will only result in heartbreak and devastation. I won’t disconnect my emotions from the rest of me and pretend to care less than I do- I will use my hands to hold on tight instead of pushing away someone who truly wants to love me.
Next year, I won’t just allow myself to be loved by someone else, but I’ll finally allow myself to be loved by myself. I won’t look in the mirror and point out every flaw that I can find. I won’t tear myself down every single time I don’t do things the way I should have, but will give myself grace and another chance to try again- just like I would do for someone else I loved with my entire being. I will cherish the parts of me that are worth cherishing- even the small parts, the ones I’ve felt aren’t worth acknowledging. I will celebrate the victories and the moments I’m proud of, without feeling ashamed or like I should overlook them.
Next year, I will allow myself to open my heart completely, rather than simply half way. To remind myself of the time in my life where I was willing to not hold back any part of myself from someone I loved, and who I knew loved me- and how despite the way my heart broke into pieces in the end, just how incredible that type of openness was, and how it was worth the pain in the end. How it’s okay to allow myself to experience that kind of feeling again.
Next year, I won’t live in fear that letting myself be loved automatically means putting myself at risk. Truthfully, most things in my life worth anything required a little risk somehow, and that even if it doesn’t work out the way I hope, I can still say I’ve tried. I can be proud that I’m not living in fear of the unknown, but embracing it with it open arms, and an open heart.
Next year, I will remind myself that I am worth love regardless of who chooses to walk in and out of my life. I will not allow relationships that falter to define my worth, because not everyone in this world can love me forever. I will allow my heart to love completely- not simply in pieces out of desperate self-preservation.
Next year, I will allow myself to be treated the way I deserve- not settling for almost promises, or half-hearted texts that claim to miss me but have no action to follow through. I will allow myself to be treated with kindness and compassion, with devotion and adoration- not because I believe I am perfect, but because these things aren’t too much to ask from someone who claims to care for me, and I will no longer cling to the excuses in my mind to justify anything less. I will hold onto my expectations, rather than casting them to the side the moment somehow shows a hint of interest- and recognize that walking away from those who won’t love me the way I deserve is also a way of allowing myself to be loved, by myself and by the right person whenever they come along.
Next year, I will allow myself to be loved, and to trust it, even when the very idea terrifies me to my bones. Not because I believe love will solve all my problems, but because I know that love requires trust and honesty- and if I refuse to include those aspects then the love will truly unravel the way I expect it to. I will allow myself to be loved and believe in it the way it seems to believe on me. To choose it, the way it seems to have chosen me.
Next year, I will accept that opening up to a person whole-heartedly is nerve-wracking, and even a little terrifying, but I won’t allow fear to dominate my thoughts. I will allow life to bring me the people it desires to- whether they last or whether they don’t. I won’t view those who walk out of my life as mistakes, but as people who I shared my heart with, and for a moment, held closer than anyone else on the planet. I won’t believe the love I give them was in vain, but just another chapter, another step closer to becoming the person I want to be. I won’t view the love people showered on me as something to forget, but as something to commit to memory- that at one time, they looked at me and saw the world, saw someone worth loving so passionately.
Next year, I will allow myself to be loved, but I won’t be naive. I have learned multiple lessons the last few years, and to throw them all out the window would be incredibly foolish- I know this. Yet to keep myself closed off is just as foolish, because love is such an incredible aspect of this life we live- and to deny myself anything less than the full, all in type of experience isn’t fair, nor does it make any sense. I can love completely and fully, without making the same mistakes I’ve made before. I can love completely and fully, without destroying myself in the process.
Next year, I will allow myself to be loved, simply because I know that love is one of the best things we can experience in this life- and it’s time I stopped denying myself that simply out of fear or worry about the past.
Next year, I will allow myself to be loved because, it’s finally time.