No one talks about how horrible that final conversation is — the one that makes you realize the person in front of you quitting isn’t the one you fell in love with. No one talks about how painful it is to watch someone give up when you would have never stopped fighting for them. No one talks about how much it hurts when you realize that there is nothing you can say to change their mind.
No one talks about what it feels like to get blindsided with a breakup that hits you out of nowhere, that leaves you confused as to how you got there. No one talks about how deeply you remember every detail of that final conversation and the weight within your sinking heart.
No one talks about what it feels like to watch the love of your life leave.
No one talks about how hard it is to wake up that first morning when all you want to do is fall back to sleep. How even in your dreams you think about him. How someone’s absence makes you ache.
No one talks about how loud silence is when the person you want to hear from most doesn’t reach out, or the struggle of sleeping at night because you are used to someone next to you.
No one talks about neglecting basic feelingslike hunger because you don’t even want to eat. Heartbreak literally forces your body to physically shut down and you don’t care.
No one talks about how depressed you become in the aftermath of it all. How your tone changes when you speak and you don’t want to see anyone. How you feel lonely, no matter where you go, or who you are with, or how hopeful the world around you really is. No one talks about what it’s like to look for them in a crowd hoping you see them. No one talks about how you see them in everyone you meet.
No one talks about how you have to run to the bathroom just to keep yourself together so you don’t cry in public.
No one talks about how hard it is to see your ex moving on all across social media. No one talks about the pain that comes from seeing them happy when you are completely miserable. You know you should unfollow them and not look but you’re curious.
No one talks about losing both your boyfriend and your best friend at once. How hard it is to find routine again and even when you do you feel like you’re just going through the motions.
No one talks about that moment you’ve completely lost yourself.
No one talks about what it feels like to be triggered emotionally by the world around you. Maybe it’s a song on the radio that leaves you in tears, maybe it’s the smell of the rain at dusk, or the way the blue in the sky reminds you of their eyes. No one talks about the pain of nostalgia.
No one talks about how hard it is to move on. No one talks about how frustrating the healing process is. Some days you are going to feel completely fine then other days it’s going to feel like you’re drowning. The hardest concept to grasp is understanding that healing isn’t linear.
No one talks about what it is like to see them again for the first time. Your heart drops, you start sweating, you wonder if they notice you. They look exactly the same but everything about who they became, what they did — it isn’t the person you knew.
No one talks about what it’s like to still want them back even in the aftermath of all they did wrong. The heart wants what it wants even if that want isn’t best for you.
I’m not going to tell you everything you want to hear. What I will say is it’s okay to feel the thing you are feeling. It’s okay that’s it’s taken a long time. It’s okay that heartbreak turned you into someone you didn’t recognize. It’s okay to have lost yourself in all this.
It’s takes bravery to love someone. And you should be proud of yourself for being that kind of person.