If You Didn’t Care About Her You Wouldn’t Be Jealous

God & Man

If you didn’t care about her you wouldn’t try and keeps tabs on her. You wouldn’t be checking her stories first or blowing up her newsfeed. If you didn’t care you wouldn’t be wondering who she’s with or bother to ask what’s she’s doing.

If you didn’t care you wouldn’t wait until you’re drunk just to text her. Because when you can’t be anything but honest she’s the one you think of.

You wouldn’t wonder who she’s going home with or text her in the morning to figure out if she too woke up alone too.

If you didn’t care you wouldn’t think of her when you’re with someone else. Because even if they are prettier or everything you could want there’s something about her. She has something they don’t. And she’s always the one in the back of your mind.

If you didn’t care you wouldn’t try and pull her in every time she tried to pull away. But you do.

If you didn’t care she wouldn’t be on your radar remotely.

But she is. You play cat and mouse like it’s a game you both hate but won’t stop.

If you didn’t care you wouldn’t keep trying to make some power move over her. You want to be the one who cares less.

Regardless of what you might say you’ve fallen for this girl.

Maybe she’s different. Maybe she’s not like the rest of them. Maybe she’s not your type at all. But there is something about her you can’t put your finger on.

Other girls, you can read easily and play as you’d like to. But this girl not only doesn’t play games it’s because of that she’s the one making the rules. For the first time in your life, someone else is saying jump and you’re asking how high?

If you didn’t care how she felt, the things she does do wouldn’t affect you but it does.

If you didn’t care you wouldn’t flinch if you hurt her feelings.

But you find yourself apologizing more than you ever have in your life.

You find yourself trying really hard to impress her because she’s simplistically impressed you from the start.

She makes you want to be a better man than you are. She makes you want to make the right choices. She makes you want to be the person she built you up in your mind to be. And you fear the day she sees your true colors.

She’s changed you without having to do anything at all but be herself.

Maybe you don’t like her enough to do something yet but you like her enough that she influences the choices you make.

You like her enough to try and get her attention.

If you didn’t care you wouldn’t think of her when you see certain things. You wouldn’t look for reasons to talk to her. You wouldn’t ask questions you know answers to just to get her to talk.

If you didn’t care you wouldn’t post snap stories or insta stories hoping she’s the first to see it. And as you go through a list of people you don’t care for, it’s her name you’re looking for.

You wouldn’t show up at the places you know she’ll be at and every time you see someone you think it’s her, you feel your heart racing a little faster.

If you didn’t care the guy she’s holding hands with wouldn’t bother you as much as it does but part of you wishes it was you.

If you didn’t care you wouldn’t feel those things at all.

It’s the nights you’re alone and you don’t know where she is and she’s not answering and it’s bothering you more than you’d like to admit.

It’s the nights you aren’t alone and you look at a stranger who doesn’t do it for you.

It’s the moment you blow up her phone just to remind her you’re still there, in case she’s forgotten.

Because you care. You don’t want to. But the heart wants what it wants and no matter what you say or do she can feel it too.

If you didn’t care she wouldn’t be the last person you think of at night. But you do.

She knows you care or you wouldn’t be jealous and the only reason she knows this is because she has her moments of jealousy too.
TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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