I always fear letting someone that close to me. Close enough that they become a routine. Close enough that I suddenly build this life with them. Close enough that suddenly I forget what a life was without them a part of it.
So naturally, I push people away. But even the coldest most fearful hearts cross paths with someone who suddenly breaks down everything they’ve built to protect themselves.
Suddenly you meet someone and it’s so easy.
Part of you says don’t do this, you’ll get hurt. Then the other part of you says go, make them yours and don’t look back.
You go from having your guard up to trusting them in a way you don’t trust anyone else. You go from strangers to suddenly this person knowing you to the core of who you are. Suddenly they know you better than you know yourself. And three words roll off your tongue and you’re suddenly envisioning a future where they are a part of it. Suddenly the only thing that makes sense is the two of you and this life you continue to build together.
Then suddenly there is a shift. It’s like everything changes in an instant. The words it’s overhang so long and you don’t want to believe it.
You get lost in their absence realizing so much of how you defined yourself and every decision you made came down to them. And you feel completely and totally lost without them.
You realize in an attempt to try and keep them you lost yourself in the process.
It’s the text you don’t get in the morning.
It’s the notification you no longer see even though you kind of want to.
And you get mad they liked something but find odd comfort in the fact they thought of you for a moment.
It’s waking up alone in a bed that they used to lay in and you can’t even sleep without them.
It’s the place you can no longer go to because it used to be yours and going in there alone not seeing them feels wrong.
It’s the song you can no longer play because you remember when you blasted it in their car.
It’s that moment you drive on autopilot and you have to remind yourself to take that left instead of right towards their house.
It’s the good news you wish you could share.
It’s their favorite food you can’t even stomach looking at because you think of them.
It’s the bad day you wish you had them as your rock.
But when the person who hurt you is the one who can fix it you’re left uncertain of how to fix yourself.
And you do everything you can to try and numb this pain that is consuming you.
Stay busy they said. So you get lost in work. Go somewhere they said. So you leave. Have fun. So you fake the best smile you can. But inside it’s like I can’t do this anymore.
It’s going somewhere and people ask where they are and you have to explain you aren’t together anymore.
It’s seeing them across social media and you wonder how they make it look so easy? When you’re over here falling completely apart.
It’s the thoughts that creep up at night wondering if they’re going to bed alone.
It’s the doubt you have when you look at your reflection because despite how confident you are you wonder what it was that wasn’t good enough.
You wonder did you not say I love you enough? Did I not show it? What could I have done more?
And maybe the fault is on them but you keep blaming yourself.
It’s the casual conversation as you cross paths and you’re trying so hard to not show the pain across your face but you’re standing in front of someone who knows you so well. And you wonder do they see it? You wonder are they hurt too?
You walk away smiling but it took everything in you to keep your composure.
Part of you is trying to be the bigger person and because you do hope they are well.
But there is part of you who looks at them so differently, like they deceived you and you just want to scream how could you do this to me?
Because all of it feels like lies and you don’t know what to believe anymore.
It’s suddenly feeling so alone without them.
It’s missing them but more than that you miss who they used to be.
Because they weren’t just someone you loved they were your best friend. And they weren’t just your best friend, they meant everything to you.
And all you want is to escape this pain that consumes you but you’re lost with knowing how. So you drink to forget only the night ends with haunting memories of everything you remember.
You look at their number and you want to call them or text them but you know you’ll regret it the next day.
So you try and stay strong. You try not to talk about it. You try and not let it eat you away inside. But there is a pain to your soul you can’t explain. It actually hurts to go through the motions.
And you’re barely sleeping and when you are, they meet you in every dream.
People ask you how you are and you say fine.
But all any of us want is that person who pulls us in closer because they know we aren’t. And they let us fall completely apart. While tears and a breakdown seem like you’ve hit rock bottom, once that person dries your tears you realize there is no place to go but up.