One Day You’ll Search For Me In Everyone But I Won’t Be Found

God and Man

I don’t know when one day will be. But it’s a day I both look forward to and regret. Because on that day I’ll be over you. I won’t want you the way I’ve wanted you for so long. I won’t pine after you the way I have. You won’t be every thought that consumes me in a busy day. I will have moved on. And you’ll be just another story in the past. And when we cross paths, it’ll hurt me to say, “he’s someone I used to know.”

Because you are so much more than that. You were someone I wanted so badly to be the love of my life. But for some reason everything I gave, everything I invested fell short. And I was left looking at my reflection like it was me that wasn’t good enough.

What took me time to realize was sometimes your best will never be good enough if it isn’t the right person.

But I swore you were. I would have banked on it. I let love blind my judgement as I invested time and emotions into someone who couldn’t meet me halfway.

But one day you’re going to wish you did.

One day you’ll see me with someone else laughing and smiling the way I used to with you. The only difference is that someone else probably doesn’t make me cry myself to sleep at night.

Maybe I won’t see you as you watch me across the room.

Maybe we’ll bump into each other and initially my heart will race as our eyes meet. I’ll wonder if you can still read me the way you used to. I’ll stand there guilty as feelings come rushing back without any control. But I won’t say I miss you. I won’t tell you I love you. Instead I’ll introduce you to the person next to me. And there will be a moment where it hits you that could have been you. It should have been you.

But the maybes and the one days and the confusion wasn’t getting me the relationship I needed. And there wasn’t a enough love I could give you to make up for what you lacked.

You’ll look at me and even standing in front of you, you’ll miss me. You’ll realize what I must have felt so many times before. Because I learned, the hardest way to miss someone is when they are right there not being what you need.

But more than missing me, you’ll miss the little things.

You’ll miss the conversations that only continued when you wanted it to. You’ll miss only talking about you. You’ll miss the attention and knowing with confidence someone cared even when you couldn’t reciprocate it. You’ll miss the calls you used to ignore. Then text back when you felt like. You’ll miss the pictures I used to send. Sharing in every good moment. You’ll miss being the first to know when something good happened. You’ll miss hearing about the bad stuff too. Being the shoulder I leaned on sometimes when I needed it. You’ll miss being needed and wanted and loved.

You’ll miss the things I used to tag you in. The messages I used to send. The kind words that made you smile when you were busy even when you didn’t say anything back. You’ll miss the snaps I answered too quickly. And you’ll wonder why I haven’t looked at your story first. You’ll wonder why I didn’t care to look at all. You’ll wonder where I am and who I’m with.

And you’ll think about texting me but you won’t. You won’t because even you know I deserve better than someone who had to lose me to realize my worth.

The what-ifs will creep up late at night. Just as they did me. And just as I tossed and turned and wondered about you, you’ll do the same.

Maybe I’ll meet you in dreams that haunt you.

Maybe then you’ll realize.

Maybe you’ll be lying next to someone you wish was me

Maybe you’ll build up the courage to check up on me.

Maybe you’re just wondering if I still care.

I think no matter how much time passes you’re someone I’ll always care for and love deeply. But I couldn’t keep waiting for you to love me back. I played every best card I had trying to get you to love me. What I realized was it wasn’t supposed to be that hard. But there was no doubt I loved you.

Sometimes you have to lose something you realize what you had.

I know love well enough that once it starts hurting it’s not the right love anymore.

And walking away took everything in me. Because getting over you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Because just as there are moments you miss me. There are moments you look for me in everyone else. I do that to. And I might be smiling and holding someone else’s hand. But there are times I wish it was you.

But I couldn’t keep waiting, wishing and hoping while compromising my self-respect. I had to walk away. I had to stop trying. I had to fall out of love with you in hopes that maybe in my absence you’d learn to love me the same. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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