I’m Not Afraid Of Being Single, What Scares Me Is The Word Girlfriend

God & Man

When you’re used to being single that isn’t what scares you. You don’t fear going to events stag because you know what that feeling like. Sometimes you almost even like it. You like not having anyone to answer to. You like not having someone follow you around the room. You’ve built a confidence behind this title you proudly wear. You take pride in your independence. In doing what you want when you want it. You go out at night and you never know how it will end. Things like that are okay and acceptable when you are single. The rules of being single are there are no rules. You live according to however you want and you’ve grown used to it. You don’t fear it as much as you embrace it.

When you’re single every decision benefits you. You can be as selfish as you want and it’s okay.

But then there are nights you feel very lonely in a crowded room. Nights where you wish you had someone’s hand to hold. Nights where you wish you didn’t have to be the strong one. But you’re alone and have no other choice. There are times you could introduce the person you brought as your boyfriend and not just some friend you’ll go home with. Holidays where you wish you could tell your mom to add another place setting to the table. Christmas’s you wish you had someone to buy something for. Dates you wish you could celebrate. Nights where you come home and you wish someone was waiting for you.

There are nights where you toss and turn and you remember when someone used to lay next to you. Nights, where your phone goes off at 2 AM and it’s some fuck boy you swore you were done with. But there’s company in loneliness. There are nights where you wish it were more. But you also fear commitment.

So then you pine after these half-hearted love stories you know won’t end in a relationship which is what you secretly like about it. Knowing how it will end.The chase of it all. Knowing at the end of it, you have yourself which is what you’re used to.

Then you meet a decent person and you run the other way. You meet someone who likes you and wants to be with you and you find flaws you can’t tolerate. You find someone who would be good for you and you talk yourself out of it.

When you’re single it isn’t just a relationship status, it’s lifestyle you’re choosing.

And when you’re single long enough, it’s a lifestyle you grow accustomed to.

The truth is I’m afraid to be someone’s girlfriend.

I’m afraid to let someone that close to me. I’m afraid of letting someone into my life out of fear that they might leave or it might end and it will be my fault. I fear meeting someone and falling in love. I fear wanting to change the entire course of my life due to one person because I’m selfish and I have things I want to do alone. I fear giving up a party on a Friday night and drinking as much as a please then having to explain my actions to someone.

I fear being a girlfriend because of all the things that come with it. Suddenly I’ll have family obligations that aren’t my own. Suddenly I’ll have to include someone else in decisions I’ve made for most my life alone. I’m afraid of getting used to someone. I’m afraid of someone becoming a part of my routine. I’m afraid to fall out of fear the person won’t catch me. I’m afraid to get my heart broken again and turning into the person I was when love was dictating every irrational choice I made.

But most of all I’m afraid to be someone’s girlfriend because I’m afraid to be that happy. I’m afraid of suddenly having this life I truly love because of another person. I’m afraid to learn someone else can give what I haven’t been able to give myself which is the love and happiness I know I deserve.

So the truth is I’m afraid to be someone’s girlfriend because I’m so desperately afraid of something I can’t control and love is all of those things. A lack of control in your life because one person came and shook everything up about it.

I’m afraid to be someone’s girlfriend because I know I’ll love every minute of it. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

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