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You Haven’t Made Your Mind Up Yet, But I Would Never Do You Wrong

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BATO BUDAEV

It’s 4 am again and I’m laying here wide awake wondering about you. Everything we are. Everything I wish we could be.

My heart breaks for these false realities that dance in my mind and a story we’ll never live to tell.

I can’t deny the fact how hard I’ve fallen for you knowing very well the second I went over the edge, it wasn’t within your ability to catch me.

None the less, I fell.

I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to burden you with a love I knew you’d struggle to reciprocate. But it wasn’t a choice. I fell into it and all of you like a dark abyss not knowing when I’d hit rock bottom but anticipating it.

Waiting for you to walk away. Waiting for my love to be too much for you to handle. Waiting for that text to go unanswered. Waiting for a silence to be comfortable between us as a goodbye was not uttered but I understood.

I waited for you to walk away only you didn’t.

You aren’t falling with me. You aren’t falling for me. You’re just there.

It’s the company that makes me feel both lonely and not. Happy to have you in whichever form that might be but yearning for it to be so much more than this.

Hoping and praying rock bottom doesn’t become a reality. A reality of me picking up the pieces that I know will shatter like tiny pieces of glass that will cut anyone who even attempts to put me back together.

But you should know I’m very good at fixing things that are broken. And my heart is like some jigsaw puzzle I’ve mastered in record time.

But I’m caught here. Because it hasn’t happened yet.

I don’t want to stop loving you but this love is beginning to burden me as I yearn for it to be something it’s not. As I wait but I don’t even know what I’m waiting for or if I’m wasting my time.

You fill a space in my heart that will always be yours, forever altering the way I see others.

But I don’t even see anyone in my line of vision, it’s only you.

But I can’t make you love me.

I can’t love you into liking me.

And if I could I would do anything to make this outcome one in my favor.

So instead I’ll tuck this away. Everything I feel. And thoughts will run ramped as you consume all of me but I’ll my best to move forward.

I don’t know if this is falling or flying.

But what I do know is if ever there’s a day you love me back, my heart is and has always been yours. TC mark

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