This Is How You’re Gonna Miss Her When She Goes

God & Man

She’s been around so often you’ve taken it for granted a bit. You think no matter what you say or do, she’ll be there because she always has been.

The average person wouldn’t have tolerated any of this for as long as she has. But the thing is she’s different. Her strength comes in the form of believing when there’s no hope to be had. Her strength comes in the form staying when everyone tells her she shouldn’t.

Her strength comes in the form in looking you in the eyes and smiling when you’re the very same reason she cried herself to sleep last night.

And if you’re wondering how you’re going to miss her, this is how.

She’ll pull away at first gradually. And in the beginning, you won’t notice. How can you notice anyone or anything you never truly appreciated before? You’ll learn to appreciate her in her absence. And that’s the hardest way to miss someone. That moment will click, you could have had something great but you didn’t know what you had when you had it.

She was always yours to have. She never played games. She made it too easy. But the thing about her is she didn’t think love should be as difficult as you made it. She didn’t believe in games or messing with someone’s feelings because they were unsure of their own. But that’s exactly what you did.

And after a while, even the strongest girls get tired of waiting. Emotionally exhausted. And that strength they had suddenly gets channeled into leaving.

Trust me she doesn’t want to leave. If it were her choice and she knew with confidence waiting would lead to what she ultimately wanted, she’d stick it out. But with you, there is a wave of uncertainty that makes her question herself.

Suddenly someone who was confident is overcome with doubts looking at their reflection. She’s built you up at the cost of tears herself down because you’ve led her to believe it’s her that’s not good enough.

So she’ll get up and leave even though she doesn’t want to.

And she’ll keep looking back. She’s looking for every reason to turn around. But what kills her isn’t leaving, it’s that you’re not going to notice for a while how gone she really is.

Because when she’s right in front of you, you don’t care and if you do you aren’t showing it. Because it isn’t as simple as answering a text. You aren’t being what she needs. And that’s why she has to leave.

And slowly you’ll see she’s not every first like or view across social media. The things she tags you in will become less and less. Her starting conversations looking for any reason to talk to you will be replaced with silence. Then one day you’ll realize.

Maybe you’ll send a snap that gets opened with no response when in the past she used to wait 30 seconds to answer. Maybe you’ll text her and that span of time she doesn’t answer will give you a taste of your own medicine and you’ll know how she felt for so long. Maybe you’ll double text even though you know you shouldn’t. Or you’ll tag her in something.

The moment you realize you might have lost her, you’ll realize how everything reminds you of her.

Suddenly you’ll be the one looking for reasons to talk to her. Something good happens and you want to tell her. Something bad happens and you miss that shoulder you used to cry on. Days turn into weeks and you realize how little she comes around. And you wonder when you’re going to see her again. You realize how much you look forward to that day and how much you miss her.

Everything you used to think was annoying you realize was just her way of showing you how much she cared even though you did little to reciprocate it.

It’ll be in that moment you realize how strong she was for loving someone who couldn’t love her back the way she deserved.

And you want to reach out. But there’s an apprehension because you know what you did. Or rather what you didn’t.

And you’ll fumble through this realization of how much you do care and you want to tell her. You don’t realize how much she misses you too, only she’s not showing it. You don’t realize how many conversations she wanted to have with you. But you didn’t give her the light of day.

When every plan got canceled and your word became something she couldn’t rely on what she learned was you might have been everything she wanted but you were also the last thing she needed.

Because if love is this pain she’s felt, this disappointment you’ve left her with then maybe it’s her that’s got it wrong.

So she’ll go not because she doesn’t love you but because you never asked her to stay and it took you a long time to even realize she was gone.

And the day will come and you’ll cross paths, maybe she’s holding the hand of someone who isn’t you.

And that’s when it’ll hit you the hardest.

Watching her love someone else the way she loved you, will crush you.

What you don’t know is how hard something new was for her. She compared everyone to you in the beginning.

And you’ll look at each other across the room and in that silence, you’ll see she’s never stopped loving you and maybe you realize you love her too. But neither of you make the slightest of a move. Just this eye contact without words and if a silence could speak what would be said is a common knowledge that “it wasn’t supposed to end this way.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Writer living in Hoboken, NJ with my 2 dogs.

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