Depression Has A Way Of Making Me The Happiest And Saddest Version Of Myself

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If you look at me, you’d never know the word depression is this invisible cloud that hovers over me.

If you scroll through my Instagram you’d never see me post about my “bad days.” You’d see my favorites parts of my life and the moments I truly am happy. Those are the moments I enjoy capturing and sharing with people.

If you talk to me, you’d notice how every conversation is positive. You’d notice how everything I say is motivating and a valiant attempt to lift your spirits.

I won’t talk about sad things or negativity. Because the honest truth is I’m not sad all the time but when those moments hit, they are horrible and the only thing I’d like to share with anyone is the fact I’ve been there too.

Living with depression doesn’t mean I’m the saddest most negative person in the whole world. Yeah, I have my moments. Moments that no one will ever see because I’ve learned how to manage it but I’ve seen every up and down within myself. And if those really bad moments where I’m alone crying have taught me anything it’s to appreciate every good day a little more.

The honest truth is I’m able to bring others out of dark places because I’ve had to navigate through the dark myself. I’ve walked alone in moments of such darkness but it was there I learned to appreciate the light. I’ve isolated myself and pushed people away. It was in those moments I learned every time I told someone to leave what I really wanted was for them to stay.

I’m not afraid to sit with you in silence. I don’t think it’s uncomfortable. I don’t need to help you find every answer. Because the truth about depression is there’s nothing I can fix about it.

I can help you manage it. But we can’t fix it. We can’t make it just go away.

There will be days that sneak up on me and knock me out from my knees. There will be moments where I’m on the floor crying in a ball and I do not have the strength to get up. There will be tears that flood everything about me to the point where it feels like I’m actually drowning.

Then there are moments where I catch my breath and I fight the hell back from this thing that tries to drag me down. There are moments where I feel blind in the darkness and it makes me run faster towards the light. There are moments where I feel so alone but I have to remember this loneliness is a lie trying to paralyze me.

Depression can make me my best worst self in a 24 hour period. I can go from crying my fricken eyes out to feeling through that, stepping away from it, moving on and trying again.

And it’s there I see strength in a reflection that might be filled with black tears looking back at me.

It’s often right after my worst moments. I become my best self. That’s the beauty of it really.

Depression is a rollercoaster of these emotions I wish I could control but in reality, it’s just a ride I’ve learned to not be scared of.

Do not fear every bad day.

Do not feel guilt for when they creep up on you.

Do not feel less for crying when you need to, even when you can’t understand why.

Sometimes it’ll just happen.

But those emotions, those days, they don’t last.

The ups and down will come. And maybe they come a lot of violently and abruptly than the average person. But it’s okay.

Depression does not define me but how I bounce back from it does.TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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