To The Guy I Keep Stringing Along

DESTINY BENGSTON

It’s the conversations I know you love having as I simply answer questions and you ask more.

It’s the plans we make I cancel that I know you looked forward to but something better came up.

It’s the attention you give me I admit is flattering but not flattering enough to reciprocate it.

It’s you going out of your way constantly when I won’t even meet you halfway.

I would love to wake up one day and feel the same way you do about me. I would love to realize that you are probably the best thing for me.

The truth is I can’t force that.

It’s the feelings that just aren’t there even when I’d like them to be.

And I flirt with the idea of maybe but in reality, I know I’m just leading you on.

It’s the games you think I’m playing but really I’m unsure.

Not unsure of how you feel because you’ve made it clear but uncertain of myself so I drag you through the chaos and confusion that is my life.

It’s a night I enjoyed but the next day I pull away and you don’t hear from me.

It’s another bullshit excuse so I don’t feel like a bitch. It’s not that I’m looking out for your feelings I really just don’t want to feel bad about myself.

And it’s selfish and it’s not right.

I know you think if you keep trying and putting in the effort, you’ll prove that you deserve someone like me. But the truth is you deserve so much more than what I have to offer.

So I’m going to tell you what you do deserve.

You deserve someone who is sure of you.

Someone who meets you and it just clicks and there isn’t uncertainty.

You deserve someone who will meet you halfway.

I know you’d do anything I ask which has led to me not having to raise a finger but you shouldn’t have to try so hard for someone’s affection.

You deserve someone who cares about you the same way you do me.

As strongly as you feel for me, I want someone to feel that way about you one day.

The truth is you deserve more.

You deserve the honesty I can’t give you. The love that isn’t there. The affection I don’t have in me. You deserve nights that turn to morning and not just me leaving and not answering your text. You deserve more than this game I shouldn’t be playing because I’m bored.

You don’t deserve to be led on and confused.

I know what it’s like to look at your phone rereading things and wondering. I know what it’s like to have smoke blown up your ass with another excuse.

And I hate that I’ve done that to you when it’s been done to me so many times.

I hate that I’ve allowed you to fall for me when I went into it with no intention of catching you.

And I could try and explain it but even if I did it wouldn’t make me look better.

The honest truth is I was getting over someone and using you the whole time. You don’t deserve that.

You don’t deserve always having to be the one to start the conversation.

You deserve everything you give to be reciprocated. The right kind of love is a 50/50 thing and I don’t have it in me to give you that and I don’t know if I ever will so I need you to stop trying.

You don’t deserve feeling like you aren’t good enough.

You are good enough. But there’s a difference between not being good enough and not being right and no matter how many circles we run in or how many times we try, I don’t think we’ll ever be right for each other.

The truth is it’s me who doesn’t deserve you.

Maybe that’s a cop-out. But I’m not trying to be noble or seem nice because nothing about what I’ve done to you is nice. But I don’t deserve everything you’ve given me because it’s unfair to you because I can’t reciprocate it.

But one day someone will. And that person will make you forget I ever existed.

I hope the day comes where I bite my tongue and regret not taking a chance on you.

I hope one day we cross paths and you introduce me to someone and it hits me right then and there what I missed out on.

But more than anything I hope the day comes where it doesn’t take someone so long to realize that because that’s what you deserve. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

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