I Don’t Know How We Got Here But I Keep Hoping We’ll Go Back

EMILY COOK

“He used to hold her hand, he used to hold her door
But she don’t know what that feels like anymore
I don’t want to leave you, I just need you to be…that way again.”- Lee Brice

I woke up at 12:01 and people keep asking me why aren’t you sleeping?

And it’s hard to get people to understand the concept of missing someone who is standing right in front of you.

And it’s not the missing like they are absent but an emotional distance that feels like miles away.

It’s the basic necessity of what one needs in a partner lacking.

It’s the love between two, carelessly running out and it’s like staring at an hourglass and just waiting for it to end.

It’s a heartbreaking goodbye that hasn’t yet been said but I’m anticipating it.

My hearts hurting and my hands are shaking because you aren’t here like you used to be.

And I look at you across the room and you’re handsome and charming and smooth with every word. And I’m either a fool for believing what’s another kind lie or naive for believing in you as I do.

And another night passes and I’m standing alone in a crowd staring at the door as people ask where you are. And I’m left fumbling for answering lying both to them and myself because I don’t know how we got here but I’m just wishing we’d go back.

And your smile it’s got like it did in the past and maybe that’s why I can’t let you go.

12:01 turns into 2:00 quickly and memories dance in my mind of everything you’ve done right and the man I fell in love with. But part of me allows the good to overshadow the bad.

Everyone has to remind me you can’t love half of one person but I’d accept every part of you and take what I get, knowing very well I deserve a little more.

But my judgment is cloudy and I’m emotionally conflicted because of my hearts yours if you want it.

But lately, it seems like my love has been a burden because the more I try the further apart we seem to be.

And I know you care at least a little or we wouldn’t be here. But it’s hard to walk away when I haven’t completely lost faith in you yet.

It’s hard to walk forward when all I want is to go back.

But all of this isn’t enough for me.

Because I need someone who is there both physically and emotionally. I need someone who isn’t going to constantly let me down. I need someone who will sit up at night with me when midnight strikes and I’m lost in thoughts. I need someone who will fill me with confidence and not doubt. I need someone to give me the things you can’t seem to. The things you used to give me.

I need someone who isn’t just good at saying sorry.

But most of all I need someone who will help me sleep a little better at night not making me feel like I’m the one not good enough.

I need someone who won’t give me much to think about if midnight and I meet.

What I need in a person is someone lying there next to me telling me it’s okay and to go back to sleep now.

I need you to be the person you used to be because that’s who I fell in love with.

But I look at you now and we’re familiar strangers hanging on not out of love but out of fear of letting go.
TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

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