1. The odd sleeping patterns.
It’s a successful night of sleep that consists of only waking up twice.
But every once in awhile you consider it an accomplishment when you close your eyes and you wake up and it’s morning.
But most the time you learn to function with sleep deprivation and lots of caffeine.
2. And checking your phone constantly.
It’s that risky text you send and you wonder ‘should I have worded that differently?’ Then you contemplate a double text you know you shouldn’t. It’s the minutes feeling like hours as you wait for a response and all you want to do is apologize because you assume they completely interrupted what you said incorrectly and now they are upset.
3. The made up scenarios in your head.
It’s situations never coming to life that dance in your mind like some movie. All the while, you’re mentally preparing for how you would respond if that situation came to life.
Then those irrational thoughts and scenarios do happen and you know as crazy as you might feel, you were spot on and you hate being right when the outcome is wrong. But you are just trying to protect yourself from getting hurt.
4. And apologizing too often.
It’s the apology that doesn’t even require the words ‘I’m sorry.’ And people look at you like why are you apologizing you didn’t do anything? But in your mind, you just worry, so much about hurting someone or them taking something the wrong way, overly cautious is your way of life.
5. The doubting people’s motives.
You question everyone thinking they are going to hurt you. It’s meeting someone and already anticipating an ending.
It’s looking at your best most loyal friend and wondering when they are going to leave even though they’ve reassured you multiple times everything is okay and they are here for you.
6. And overthinking everything.
It’s every comment, every like, every conversation wondering if there is something more to it. Wondering what they really mean when they said something.
It’s trying to read between every line to a point where you feel crazy for doing so.
It’s the difficulty is grasping sometimes people mean exactly what they say and there’s nothing more to it.
7. The worrying about the future.
It’s struggling to live in the present moment because you’re always thinking about what is next. Where do you have to be? How long will it take to get there? Will you be late?
The future comes with a bit of mystery and something outside your control which you hate. So you work your ass off to make sure when the future comes you aren’t going to fail when you get there.
8. While not letting go of the past.
You have the ability to forgive anyone who has done you wrong, no matter how bad it might have been but when it comes to forgiving yourself you still haven’t fully accepted that mistake you made 5 years ago or that friend you hurt at 18. You don’t allow yourself to forget the bad things you’ve done and you think you are a lot worse of a person for it.
9. It’s being too hard on yourself.
People don’t even need to criticize you when you are your own worst enemy. It’s every mistake you punish yourself for. It’s never letting anything go when it comes to anything you haven’t succeeded in.
It’s that coach not even correcting you when you mess up because, with a simple look, you know.
It’s your parents not even punishing you but instead having to comfort you because you are so hard on yourself.
10. And being a perfectionist.
It’s setting really high standards of how you live your life. And sometimes the expectations are absurd but you kill yourself to achieve those things.
Because failure is not a word in your vocabulary.
It’s every A you strive for and the extra credit you don’t even need. It’s the extra hours you put in at work because it’s not about being the best or making others look bad it’s about silencing that voice inside your head that tells you, you’ll be fired if you aren’t number 1. It’s staring at your reflection and fixating upon flaws and doing anything you have to, to correct it.
It’s the want and need to appear perfect because you never feel good enough for yourself no matter what people tell you.
11. It’s lack of confidence.
It’s the lack of confidence not just in appearance but your relationships. It’s questioning everything you do and say because with every action there is 10 made of scenarios of how can this turn out? And will it be bad?
12. And the breakdowns.
It’s that moment when something didn’t go the way it was supposed to, you completely fall to your knees and think the world is actually going to end.
It’s the moments behind closed doors where you are a basket case of emotions but no one will ever see that side of you.
It’s the racing heartbeat and your hands shaking and the inability to sit still until you gain control of whatever the situation is.
13. And the social anxiety.
It’s that voice that tells you ‘no one wants you here.’ ‘You were invited out of pity.’ ‘You should leave.’ And you know it isn’t true but those unwanted feelings creep up on you and you wonder.
It’s standing in a crowded room not knowing who to talk to but thinking everyone is staring at you if you’re standing alone.
So you reach for the nearest alcohol to ease any bit of anxiety just to get you loosen up a bit.
14. And those moral hangovers.
Then you wake up the next morning you wonder what you said and to who and should you text them and apologize.
You run through the night of details that are blurry trying to piece it together.
And everything you come up with ends in you probably having said or done something that is going to result in you losing all of your friends. So you swear off alcohol until the next party.
15. The trying too hard.
It’s going extremely over the top for people and everyone thinks it’s just who you are but under the surface of over the top gestures is an insecurity of wanting to be liked and accepted. It’s the wanting people to want you in their life so you try too hard sometimes.
16. And procrastinating.
It’s the fear of failure so much so. you procrastinate things and you know it’d be easier if you did things sooner but there’s an ironic fear of things not working out that you prolong it which sometimes is the catalyst for why they didn’t work out in the first place.
17. And lastly, it’s the want and need for control.
Because you can’t control your anxiety you try to control everything else which makes you hard to deal with sometimes.
But to the friends and family who love you through your worries, in return get a love that is unconditional and a loyalty of someone who will never leave their side.