They say it’s a risk to love in the event it doesn’t work out. But we take these types of chances putting our heart in the line of fire in hopes that maybe this time we’ll get it right. But on the other side of getting it right is everything that is wrong about love which is why people fear it as much as we want it.
It’s never getting sleep to the point where exhaustion becomes normal.
It’s opening your eyes and wanting to just turn over and go back to a place where thinking about the person isn’t on autopilot in your mind.
But they are. They’re every thought. And everything reminds them of you. Even the littlest of things.
It’s that moment you wake up and it feels like a dagger to your chest because the pain of not having that person in your life, is all too real.
It’s reaching for your phone and just hoping their name is on the screen.
But another day passes and the silence is loud and thoughts dance in your mind of what are they doing? Do they miss me? Are they thinking about me? How do I get them back?
Then another day begins and ends and you go back to bed which has become your favorite part of the day.
That is heartbreak.
It’s mustering the strength to get out of bed when all you want to do is lay there staring at the ceiling wondering how you even got here and wondering how someone has impacted you as much as they have?
It’s swearing you’ll never let someone do this to you again. It’s cursing off love because if this is love then you want no part of it.
It’s going through every motion with a smile to hide the fact you feel completely broken and lost inside.
It’s people asking how you are and you aren’t going to say awful.
Instead, you just say fine.
It’s people asking what happened but the thing is you still don’t even know.
It’s staying busy during a work and school week but every minute without them feels like hours.
It’s changing whether that’s a hobby or going to the gym more, it’s wanting to use heartbreak and turn it into something productive because if you don’t it’ll destroy you more than it has.
It’s the constant waiting for this feeling to dissipate but the longer it seems the more you find yourself hurting.
It’s seeing them and having to look the other way because their face is this reminder of everything you’ve ever wanted, everything you once had and the very same thing you lost.
It’s looking at your own reflection and suddenly every flaw is taking over all of you because when someone hurts you that bad and you truly love them, the immediate thought isn’t their loss or they’ll regret it. You automatically pin it on yourself thinking, ‘what did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I good enough? Will they do better?’
It’s reaching for anything that will numb this pain you feel.
Whether it’s alcohol or drugs but what you come to realize is despite how numb you might feel or how much you’ve forgotten in some moments when it all comes back to you, your reality it hits you like a wave and again you feel like you’re drowning.
It’s being emotionally and physically exhausted regardless of if you slept or not.
Then it happens…
It’s finally getting that text you’ve been waiting for.
It’s meeting up. And the anticipation.
It’s sitting across the table from this person but there’s something different.
You don’t even recognize them anymore.
Because that love you had for the person they were is replaced with the pain you feel and the person they are right now.
They look the same but everything about being in their presence feels different.
Here’s this person that broke you in such a way you became a version of yourself you hated. Because you and I both know, you aren’t the weak person who crumbles in someone’s absence.
As much as you’d love to give them another chance, you have more respect for yourself than that.
Because the honest truth is once you get hurt by the person you love, you lose any bit of trust and faith you have in them and no matter where you go from there and what they do, there’s always going to be the reminder of what they did.
And you can forgive them and you can move on together but sometimes it’s better to move on alone then give someone the opportunity to pull the rug out from under you again.