“The past can only be escaped by embracing something better.” -Nicholas Sparks
It’s like you’re going through the motions of doing exactly what you’re supposed to but you don’t feel anything. You’ve grown so numb to waking up empty, you’ve become used to it. It’s pain becoming this comfort zone and you don’t remember a time when you were without it.
And people tell you to go out and date. But in every person, you meet you finding yourself longing for the past and missing a person that only exists in your memory.
It’s laughing and smiling but in the back of your mind you’re thinking about the one that hurt you and you’re questioning will it happen again and is it worth even trying? Emotional cheating becomes a reality when you have thoughts you can’t even control but want to.
This person might make you smile but you’re wishing they were someone else and you hate yourself for thinking that because you know it’s not fair but you’re just trying to heal.
It’s someone giving you their time and attention and you want nothing more than to reciprocate it but you don’t even know how to.
And you almost want to explain to them this what you’re walking into and this is what you’re dealing with and I’d understand if you left. But you stay quiet.
It’s wanting to tell them ‘I’ve given so much of myself to others, I don’t know what I have to offer you.’ It’s wanting to give more but you don’t even know how to. So you give the little bit you can. You know they didn’t hurt you and they deserve you at your best but you’re still trying to get there. You’re still trying to pick up the pieces.
It’s the constant pain and anticipating this person leaving so much so, you almost ruin it on multiple occasions yourself.
But this person is different because they don’t let you.
And the truth is you’re scared to love again because you think it’s going to hurt. You associate love with pain. But what you don’t know yet is this very same thing you fear is what will heal you.
You’re doing the best you possibly can. You just want to feel even a little bit more whole again and you don’t know how to do it.
And it isn’t like you’re using this person but you don’t want this pain to become so normal. You don’t want to keep pushing people away, so apprehensively you let them in.
You proceed with caution slowly and most carefully not letting yourself fall too quickly.
The thing about letting someone into your life even when you’ve been hurt is it takes bravery and courage to do that. Loving again after heartbreak not only challenges you but it challenges this new person too.
This person has to be patient with you. They have to learn about your past if they want you in the future.
And although it wasn’t them who hurt you, they take on the responsibility of being the one to heal you.
They teach you it’s okay to be hurt but it’s okay to heal also. They teach you even a broken heart has the ability to beat again. They teach you to let go of your pain. Even if it feels you don’t have much to give, suddenly this person is giving you everything no one else did. Suddenly you’re getting treated the way you treated everyone else. And it’s through finally getting what you deserve you heal.
You learn that love didn’t hurt you in the past but rather someone’s lack of love did.
So if you want to heal even if you’re broken, even if you feel you don’t have much to give, even if you aren’t over someone yet, I need you to stop clinging to pain. I need you to stop hurting yourself like you have been. I need you to try and trust love one more time. I know you have a little bit left in you and just think maybe instead of hurting this time you’ll heal.