If Given The Choice, I’d Rather Be The One Hurt Every Time

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Because how do you explain to someone you’re everything I could want in a person, only I don’t want you?

You don’t say it but the truth is you know you could have that person if you wanted and that’s just too easy and too simple. And the truth is the feelings just aren’t there.

So you go for someone else who doesn’t have the qualities you admire in this person but it’s the challenge that makes this other person appealing.

How do you explain to a person you care about just not enough? And you’ve thought of them that way but you’d rather not.

You don’t say that because it’s easier for you to choose silence.

How do you explain to someone I like having you there when everything else goes wrong and you’re the one person I know I can rely on?

You don’t. Because any right person with self-respect would walk away if you said that. So you keep them at arm’s length when you need them because that’s what is easier for you.

How do you explain they are just some second thought when someone else cancels or you’re bored?

Because the truth when you cancel on them it doesn’t affect you and you know they’ll still be there understanding. But it’s easier for you to live according to your own agenda.

How do you explain the comfort in attention and texts answered every time when you can’t reciprocate it or care enough to. But you like knowing someone does?

Everyone likes knowing someone cares so you keep them close enough because that’s what is easier for you.

How do you explain to someone you’d like to keep acting like you’re a couple with the movies and the dinner and drunk nights ending at 2 am where you know the person next to you wants more but won’t do anything about it and you don’t care enough to make what you think is a mistake?

You don’t. Because it’s easier to say nothing and float around with the idea of maybe then admit any of this and make things awkward. Because it’s easier for you.

How do you say I’m just not interested?

You don’t so you make up another excuse because it’s easier to say you’re busy or BS someone you know would never do the same. You think you’re sparing their feelings.

How do you explain to someone I didn’t answer your text because at the time I didn’t want to talk to you or I was too busy? Because the truth is you just don’t care enough to make them a priority.

But you don’t say those things because it’s easier to say a text didn’t go through then admit you didn’t care enough to text back when they answer you every time.

How do you explain the reason you’re sending mixed signals isn’t because you’re confused about them but rather you are so sure you don’t care but you don’t want to hurt their feelings?

How do you explain that long conversation you had meant nothing to you as you talk to a lot of other people the same way?

You don’t say that because you know that one conversation might have made their day even though all you did was answer.

If given the choice I’d choose being on the other side. I’d choose getting hurt every time.

Because I don’t ever want to be that person who leads someone on. I don’t want to be that person who causes someone else pain. I don’t want to be the reason someone isn’t sleeping at night or walks around with their head down. I don’t want someone to fall for me and mistake love and infatuation as I’m fumbling and confused for the real thing. I don’t want to be the reason people disbelief in love.

Because I’ve been on both ends and as much as it hurts to be the one hurt there is a greater pain in looking at someone who you know cares, who you know would do anything for you if you asked, who you know would always be there.

There is a greater pain in hurting someone who you know would never do the same.

You look at them and there is a pain you see behind their smile because you aren’t giving them what they need. And they look at you and think they are the one not good enough.

But the truth is there is the difference between not good enough and not right.

But you can’t even explain that because you know what it’s like to try so hard and try to be good enough for someone.

You know that defeating feeling of looking at yourself in the mirror and wanting to change for that one person.

So when the ball is in my court and I’m questioning for a moment whether I should play, I put it down and I walk away. Because toying with someone else’s emotions because I’m unsure of my own is the most unkind thing I can do for someone who I know wouldn’t do the same.

And as we part ways and I slowly fade out of their life the pain they feel will first come out as anger.

It’ll be the unanswered text as they send another. It’ll be the message I couldn’t answer. It’ll be the unfollow or unfriend that hurts me to do so.

But the kindest thing I can do for someone who I don’t care about is let them go to find someone who can.

And we’ll cross paths and it’ll hurt as we walk past one another like we don’t each other at all but it’s what needs to happen so they get what they deserve and I would have loved for it to be me. But you can’t control how you feel about people.

So I’ll let them hate me. I’ll let them think I’m some cold hearted bitch. I’ll let them bad mouth me if that’s what they need to get over me.

Because I would rather hurt someone with the truth then paint lies just so it’s easier for me. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

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