10 Reasons People With Depression Have Such A Tough Time Finding Love

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1. They don’t think they deserve it.

The most difficult part about living with depression is there are moments where these people truly believe they are a burden, no one likes them or they are unlovable. There are days where they completely hate themselves because they can’t control this thing in their life. The phrase, ‘love yourself before you can love someone else’, isn’t one that applies to their life. They struggle in learning how to love themselves first but sometimes it takes someone else teaching them how to.

2. They are too critical of themselves.

It’s ironic because people with depression will accept everyone in every form with open arms, yet they don’t know how to channel it into themselves. People with depression have really hard standards they try to uphold in their life and every time they fall short they beat themselves up for it. The focus on the negative parts of themselves without looking at everything else. The way they view themselves isn’t an accurate depiction of who they really are.

3. They fear you seeing them on a ‘bad day.’

Very few people have seen them completely fall apart. It’s a change in tone. It’s a change in body language. You look at this person you thought you knew and everything about them is opposite on their bad days. There are days where they lay in bed crying for reasons they don’t know. There are days they are completely immobile to a point where they forget about basic care and necessity. There are days you have to remind them to eat. Or talk them out of every bad thought that is drowning them.

As much as they fear this person they become they fear being met with rejection when someone sees the worst side of them.

4. They like being alone as much as they like company.

As much as they might like going out and being the life of the party, there are times, where they need to be alone. There are times when even a partner with the best intentions and love has to step aside and let them figure out some things on their own. It’s in these moments as their partner you’ll feel weak for not being able to help.

But depression isn’t something you can help it’s only something you can accept.

5. They are afraid to let someone in.

They are afraid to get close to anyone. People with depression have close friends they can count on one hand who have been loyal, who have seen it all, who haven’t left like they expect everyone to. People with depression put up walls and have trust issues and push people away more often than not. They fear people leaving so sometimes they beat them to it.

6. They fear you won’t understand it.

‘Why are you depressed?’ It’s the hardest question to answer. Because the truth is they don’t know why they are. They just simply are. And they don’t know how to explain it to people. How do you explain something you can’t make sense of yourself? And they can try. But a lot of people dismiss it with, ‘just be happy.’ If it were that easy, they would be but there are factors outside their control the prevent living a normal life like everyone else.

7. They won’t talk about it.

It’s not something they are proud of or walk around advertising. The negative stigma of depression and relationships come with the assumption of high intense emotions, being overly clingy but the truth is you can date someone and not even know they are suffering.

People with depression are painfully good at hiding the fact they have it. They disguise it with smiles and laughing and helping others without question. It’s when they focus on others they forget what they are dealing with.

But it’s in a canceled plan last minute they tell you they are sick. What they aren’t telling you is they’re in a ball on the bathroom floor hysterically crying.

While they would love for it to be a more comfortable subject to talk about they choose silence.

8. They think you deserve better.

They are convinced you deserve someone healthy. They are convinced you’d be better off without them. The toughest battle you’ll fight being with someone with depression is teaching them how to love themselves and being the example of what they deserve. And you’ll be left constantly reminding them why you care, why you are staying and how you won’t leave.

It’s that reminder that shines a light in their life that you are choosing them not that you feel bad for them.

9. They are afraid of being that happy and losing it.

Love is what beats depression. Depression may linger and hide in the shadows but the closest someone with depression can get to be better is falling in love and being loved in return. But with that high in a relationship people with depression have lived at the lowest point and they are anticipating it. They are expecting it. They are waiting for their happiest moment to turn into their worst. While they value the good times they also know it can’t last forever.

10. They are afraid of needing someone.

People with depression have learned to need themselves. They’ve learned even on their bad days how to bounce back from it. They fear someone getting close, them being vulnerable, and needing this person too much to a point they leave.

With this in mind, people with depression have the hardest time finding love because of as much as they like they idea, they fear it too. They think they are better off alone and better equipped to handle themselves. So while they long for needing that emotional connection, they don’t let people close enough to get there. They settle in love out of fear of later being disappointed or watching someone good go.

But it’s ironic…

because people with depression have such a tough time finding love but there isn’t a person in the world who loves harder or loves deeper than them. There isn’t a person who will love you better and value you more. It’s in knowing every bad day, they value the good ones. It’s in living in such darkness they shine so brightly. It’s in their inability to love themselves fully, they channel it into others and make them feel whole. And it’s through loving someone else they find their moments of happiness.

So while it won’t be easy loving someone with depression and there will be bad days, the truth is the good days you do have, make it completely worth it. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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