If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away, I’d Go Just To Say Thank You

If heaven had visiting hours even if it were for a day, I’d be the first one waiting in line.

If we could talk just one more time, I’d just listen to you speak, this way I don’t forget the sound of your voice. Because it hurts that as time passes, it’s fading in my memory.

I don’t want to forget, so I find myself holding on so tightly to any and everything I can.

I’d tell you I love you, for all those times I didn’t say it enough. I’d tell you I miss you, in case you didn’t know.

And even though you’ve been with me, living within my heart, there are so many things you physically missed out on. There were so many days you were supposed to be a part of and you weren’t. There were times I needed arms to hold me but instead I had to find inner strength in your absence.

It’s the table at holidays that’s always one person short. It’s the Christmas gift I didn’t have to get this year, even though I saw something I knew you’d love. It’s the invitation to my wedding I won’t have to send. And the two days a year that now hurt more than most.

It’s the parties you should be at, as everyone is smiling. And while it seems like we’ve been moving on, we all live with the same hole in our heart. It’s something that will never be filled or replaced. And we can all feel it.

Death has a way of creating very strong bonds that keep people connected forever.

But if I could visit, even if it was just for a day, I know nothing would change between us. We’d pick up right where we left off. It’d be a celebration of a life well lived and unfairly cut short.

I’d ask if you know the reasons why this happened and if you were really ready to go? Everyone tries to come up with these justifications but some parts of life just suck because we had to accept this and not understand. And I hate that you’re not still here with us. I hate that there were so many things you had left to do.

It still hurts some days.

But if I could visit for the day, I’d ask if you are proud of the person I turned out to be? I’d ask for guidance because I hope I’m doing everything right. I’d thank you for the lessons you continue to teach me, even in your absence. I’d ask about my future and if you knew what was in store, even though I know you wouldn’t tell me.

If I could visit just one time, I’d hug you not wanting to let go. I’d say goodbye with tears in my eyes wanting to take you back to us…because home is where you belong.

But if I could say anything simply, it would be thank you.

Thank you for the memories and time I did have.

I’m glad this hurts. I’m glad I miss you. Because that shows you were someone really special.

Because I’d rather live the rest of my life carrying this pain, if going without it meant not knowing you. You proved to me, it’s better to love and lose it than never love at all.