It’s a great idea… us. That’s what I cling to. The possibly really. The blind faith and trust that one day we’ll make it.
One day you’ll love me with no hesitation. One day there will be no obstacles to overcome or excuses. One day it’ll be simple. One day will come if I keep waiting and wanting and wishing and working for you and us. One day you’ll come around.
One day we’ll be a normal relationship I can look at with confidence.
But I’m tired. My patience is running thin. My love is running out because I’ve tried to love for the both of us.
What I’m beginning to learn and sometimes struggle to accept is you can’t love someone enough to make them commit.
One day is a nice idea.
But one day doesn’t change waking up in a bed too big for one. One day didn’t change that wedding I went to alone. One day doesn’t give me a relationship to talk about with my friends. One day doesn’t give me a reason to turn down that guy asking me on a date when I wish it were you. One day is a false reality.
One day is that game of make-believe we played when we were little.
I just didn’t know as an adult, I’d still be partaking in such childish things.
One day were the fables we learned before bedtime, that we wanted to be true.
I just didn’t know as an adult I’d still be eagerly turning the pages of fiction.
But one day doesn’t give me the physical and emotional connection I need in another person. One day doesn’t give me your unwavering support. One day doesn’t give me someone to come home to and arms to hold me when I’ve had a rough day. One day doesn’t give me a concrete plan I can rely on, as I think about our future. Because there is no us.
Because all one day is, is a lie. A lie I wish I could believe from the bottom of my heart.
But I know I can’t. I can’t keep waiting for one day to be today. I can’t keep hoping you’ll wake up and realize, I’ve always been the one. I can’t keep hoping you’ll just show up at my door and tell me what I’ve been waiting to hear all this time.
What I can do though is stop waiting.
Because I know one day I’ll get what I deserve and I think both of our hearts will break because a piece of us both wanted to make it work. But I couldn’t make you want it enough to actually do something.
But one day I’ll love again and maybe then it’ll be the right way. Maybe one day all I had to give you will be reciprocated. Maybe I’ll learn love is something more than fiction and false promises. And one day I’ll look at someone who can give me everything I wanted you to. And that ‘one day’ we used to talk about will become someone else’s reality.
And on that day you’ll wish for me the same way I used to wish for us.