You Were The Best-Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Me

 Apricot Berlin
Apricot Berlin

When I met you I had this dumbfound belief that love could overcome anything. I thought if you love someone hard enough and work at it just maybe they will love you back. Just maybe it’ll all work out for the better. I thought giving the best of myself would result in it reciprocated. I thought I could love you into liking me and maybe we’d be together. I thought that would be enough.

There was no doubt I fell in love with you in the moments you were good to me. I fell in love with the person I knew you would be one day and I thought if I loved you hard enough you’d become him fully. But the result of giving the best of myself to someone who didn’t deserve it, not only hurt me but it tainted what I defined as love.

I couldn’t dismiss the fact there was another side to you. The you that ignored every call only to return it at 3 am. The you that made sure your read recipe was on, just so you knew it would get to me. The you that would know exactly what to say and when to say it, just to ruin a night out that hadn’t even started yet. The you that kept me walking on eggshells. The you that kept me close but not close enough to be yours. The you that always ended things but how can something end if we weren’t even together? The you snuck around like I was some best-kept secret. The you that needed to control me because there were factors in your life you couldn’t.

I became this punching bag of yours when all I did was try to love you.

Screaming and fighting and tears and you putting me down inflated your ego. You thought how far can I push her? What can I get away with? When will she crack? And it might have seemed like I was weak tolerating such mistreatment but it was really strength. Strength because I still saw good in you. Strength because I still believed in you. Strength because in the moments you tested me I never once raised my voice. I never once cursed. I never gave you a taste of your own medicine. Instead, I held onto the belief that if I just keep trying and loving unconditionally that maybe it would be enough.

Because despite how much pain you put me through, I never stopped believing love could save you. I never stopped trying to be enough.

What I didn’t realize was I was enough for someone but that someone wasn’t you. What I realized was no matter how badly I wanted you and loved you and tolerated your shortcomings, the cost was complete self-destruction in the process. You took pieces of me to make you whole and it left me empty.

You were the best worst thing that ever happened to me.

You taught me how far I’d be willing to go for someone. But more than that you taught me what I’ll never do for someone again. You taught me exactly what I didn’t deserve and what I’ll never tolerate again. You showed me that as much as we fall in love with someone, it’s isn’t some magical thing we’ve come to believe watching movies and T.V shows. Love is a choice but you can’t be the only one making it. You taught me to only ever go half way for someone. But more than that you taught me to love myself. You taught me to put myself first.

For all those things, I thank you. And it seems a little odd to be grateful for what seemed like a whirlwind relationship, gone so wrong with a little bit of right but I walk away with confidence and strength that I gave my best. I walk away knowing not everyone deserves that. I walk away loving even harder, believing in it even deeper and knowing the love I gave to you, will one day be mine. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Writer living in Hoboken, NJ with my 2 dogs.

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